Parenting Question

6.5 Year Old Cries All The Time

Q. Hi, I have a very active, full of energy very emotional 6 1/2 year old daughter. She cries all the time. She cries if she doesn't get her own way. She cries if she can't do something right the first time. She is known as our little actress since she was like 6 months old. She can turn on the water works whenever she wants too. It was cute then. But now it isn't so much. I am so tired of the crying!!! I have been telling her for well over a year that big kids don't cry when they don't get their way. It was a issue in kindergarten too. Her teacher also told her she was too big to cry all the time. The crying got better. But this summer it is nonstop. It is so bad that kids at daycare have figured out what upsets her and now getting her worked up of the silliest things. She is strong will child and I am unsure if she is hoping the crying will get her her way or she is really upset. She is just upset and crying all the time. I don't know what to do or how to help her. Telling her to stop crying over these things isn't helping and I don't think I can take anymore crying Please give me advice

A. I'm sorry it's taken so long to answer, we've been on vacation and not had access to my computer but I've been thinking a lot about your question.

Believe me ... I FEEL your pain. The Dervish and The Girl are professional criers - more The Girl but I think that's just because the 'girl' version of emotional and the 'boy' version of emotional varies somewhat in the expression but bottom line... it's endless upset.

The first thing of course - since I'm not a professional or a Doctor is that you should rule out medical issues that could be causing this emotional behavior.

That said, I want to tell you about a theory held by some parenting gurus that suggest that crying is not something that should be 'stopped' but something that should be encouraged as an emotional release.

There is a very good article on the Aware Parenting Site about crying which discusses the philosophy in a greater detail Here

An excerpt: "Researchers have looked at the relationship between crying and physical health. Studies have found that healthy people cry more and have a more positive attitude about crying than do people who suffer from ulcers or colitis. Other studies have shown that therapy involving high levels of crying leads to significant psychological improvement. Those patients who did not express their feelings in this manner during therapy tended not to improve, while those patients who did frequently cry in therapy experienced changes for the better. There is typically increased crying and tantrums in children for many weeks following catastrophes such as a hurricane, indicating that the children are attempting to release their terror and other strong emotions. Psychologists have studied crying in children during the highly stressful experience of a long hospitalization. Children who protested openly by crying and screaming at the beginning of their hospital stay showed better adjustment than the ones who were "good" patients right from the start. The latter appeared to be calm and cooperative, but were more likely to show signs of stress later on, such as regression to infantile modes of behavior, eating or sleeping difficulties, and learning disorders. These different areas of research all indicate that crying is a healing mechanism that allows people to cope with stress and trauma. Crying can be considered a natural repair kit with which every child is born. People of all ages cry because they need to, not because they are "spoiled" or immature.

To be perfectly honest - although I 'get' this and have tried to parent with this in mind - I'm not a total convert and still think that crying about everything is nerve shattering and should be controlled at times. However I believe in it enough that I don't do the "Big girls/boys don't cry" thing. Tears have a place and a time - not an age.

I would suggest that instead of insisting she doesn't cry at all that you work on things that she can do that would be more helpful. Maybe start with teaching self calming techniques.

Deep breaths work ok with The Girl, but Dervish gets more upset if we suggest deep breaths. Other ideas are finding a quiet place, going to a 'happy place' in your mind (bringing up a happy memory or thought) counting to ten. You are in the best position to work with your daughter to figure out what will work for her .

We've been attempting to get The Girl to use her words to verbalize her upset rather than to resort to tears. "If you can tell mommy and daddy what's wrong we can try to help you fix it".

We've had some success with this and I'm hopeful that more and more she will "use her words" to express herself and her feelings rather than going directly to tears.

The Dad has been (against my better instincts) offering her rewards for times and days in which she is able to hold herself together. I don't so much mind the concept if the rewards are in the form of genuine praise and hugs etc,, I do feel that offering toys, or worse, food as a treat for self control is not a good idea as I believe it can lead to a dependence on external comfort... ie, eating to feel better.

One of the things I do buy into from the aware parenting side is emotional validation. I find it can be effective, in several ways, to empathize with a crying child. "I know you are disappointed that you can't have that toy", "I understand that it's frustrating when you can't make something work the way you want" - that kind of thing. For one thing, everyone likes to know that they are understood. Even our kids. The other thing that this does is give them words to describe how they are feeling so that eventually they can be saying "I'm frustrated that I can't draw a flower" instead of crying. When I'm not sure - I will attempt to guess. "You look disappointed" or "You seem like you are getting frustrated" or whatever the emotion you think is going on. If your daughter is anything like my kids, she will be very quick to correct you if you've guessed wrong and this is a good step to "using words" too.

Your daughter shows some signs of being a perfectionist 'cries if she can't get something right the first time' so this article on perfectionism might be helpful.

I'm sorry I don't have any instant solutions for this as I am battling it myself too. I do hope that you find something in my suggestions that will be helpful.

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6.5 Year Old Cries All The Time

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