Parenting Question

Finding the Roses when Parenting Intense Children

received August 4, 2007

Q. My oldest (I have 3) is intense and very emotional. We go through good periods and difficult ones. Right now we are going through a difficult period - lots of screaming and crying. For her, I believe, it's a developmental milestone - she's getting ready for her next big leap. For e.g., she wants to do the slip and slide, but she wants to do it "right" (perfectionist), easily disappointed, relentless.

I also see some great things in her (loves me dearly, very perceptive, great memory).

So, my question, as a parent, how do you enjoy your days with all the difficulty/crying/screaming? How do you live in the moment joyfully with very little peace? We certainly keep it simple and don't "run around". Any tips? Meditation? Praying? Help! Just trying to live in the moment joyfully.

A. Thank you for your question, again, something that I find myself struggling with now and again.

I think that in today's hurried world, it's often easy for any parent to get caught up in the chaos of life and then now and again, we find ourselves thinking "where did the week go or the month or even the year". Our memories seem to be just a blur and in thinking about the events of the day, we can only recall the difficult moments or the challenges.

In parenting with intense children, the challenges are "more" and more frequent, often leaving parents exhausted physically and emotionally.... and looking back on the day, we feel like we've spent the entire day diffusing time bombs, drying tears, wiping up melt downs or just generally trying to keep the chaos as controlled as possible and it seems like we haven't had "fun" in an eon.

Learning to spot and enjoy and remember the brightest moments is a skill that I feel needs to be learned, or re-learned. I know that I myself have had to make a conscious choice to make a positive change - an effort to make noticing and enjoying the moments part of every day. It's not easy and sometimes I can get swept up into that chaos, especially during one of those developmental leap periods and "forget" to pay attention.

Here are a few things I've done, and do, to attempt to refocus and find the roses again.

• Put sticky note reminders around the house with something that will help you remember your goal - maybe small printouts of a rose so that it will trigger your focus.
• Pick an especially happy memory of something you and your children have done together or that they have done to make you smile and appreciate them and then borrow that memory when things are tough
• Have a daily game of "best thing" - often dinner time works well, when each member of the family tells about the best thing that happened that day. The kids can all take turns telling their "best thing" and then you have to come up with one for each of them or one that involves each child. Knowing that the ritual will happen each day will force to to be on the lookout for those good things. One caution though - if your intense child is having a "storm cloud moment" wait until the cloud has passed or you'll just get rained on! lol
• Find something that everyone has fun doing and make a point of doing it on a scheduled basis. Recently my kids infiltrated my bedroom with The Dad and put on an impromptu talent show. It was late and honestly, upon finding them in there I was not pleased but decided to try and ride the wave and let it go. We all had a great time while the kids entertained us while we sat in bed and laughed at their antics. Now we've made it a weekend event - the family talent show.
• Finally - and this is probably the most important thing. Make time for yourself.
  
  I'm an introvert so I solve things within myself, I enjoy my alone time, I need it to regenerate. If I don't have my time then I become toxic and it's impossible to find the roses in the garden (or I kill them! :0 ).
  
  Extroverts probably still need their own time but they also need people to bounce things off of. A trusted friend or significant other. If an extrovert doesn't have that outlet, my guess is that she would get toxic as well.

I hope that you have found this to be a little helpful.


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