Tears and Tantrums

Parenting An Intense Child

Home Page

Parenting an Intense Child Home

Parenting Blog Home

Family Doctor
Health Care
Pregnancy calendars
Women Health Blog
Rosacea Remedy TM

Buy Proactiv Solution
Baby Care

Free Web Designs

Recent Entries

Stressed Out Mom and 8 Year Old Battle Homework
Wednesday, October 3 2007

Tears and Tantrums
Friday, September 14 2007

How many sleeps until Halloween
Thursday, September 13 2007

How many sleeps until Christmas
Thursday, September 13 2007

Grade 3 Stressing Over Homework
Thursday, September 13 2007

7 Year old cries a lot
Wednesday, September 12 2007

A good parenting discipline discussion
Thursday, September 6 2007

ADHD - Concerta - Puberty - Mood Swings - OH MY
Tuesday, September 4 2007

Parenting Question - 9 Year Old Does not Like Correction
Friday, August 24 2007

Angelina.... Madonna... Me - and Jessica Simpson
Thursday, August 16 2007

Categories

  • XML A day in the life (9)
  • XML A New Roller Coaster Arrives (1)
  • XML Challenges of Intense Children (2)
  • XML Discipline (4)
  • XML Health (10)
  • XML Misc. (3)
  • XML Mom time
  • XML Mr. Stability
  • XML Parent Rant (4)
  • XML Parenting (11)
  • XML Parenting Advice (8)
  • XML Parenting Tips (6)
  • XML School is Cruel (1)
  • XML The Journey (5)
  • XML Trials and Tribulations (5)


All categories

Last Google Search

site:www.myrollercoasterkid.com/serendipity/
Intense Child Personality
how to talk so kids can learn by faber and Mazlish
site:http://www.myrollercoasterkid.com/serendipity
intense temperment

Comments

L.C about How many sleeps until Christmas
Tue, 04.12.2007 08:11
Interesting Glitch! When I looked after reading your comment it was fine except it was off 1 day because I had set the [...]


Anonymous about How many sleeps until Christmas
Mon, 03.12.2007 15:31
4776 days.. 11 hours.. hmm.. seems to have failed, lol. 22 sleeps!


elona about Stressed Out Mom and 8 Year Old Battle Homework
Mon, 05.11.2007 19:36
I just want to say here that the advice you have given for getting homework done is great. I'm a high school special [...]


eharrigan about Tears and Tantrums
Thu, 11.10.2007 21:04
I feel so much relief knowing there are others out there experiencing the same thing. Do your children cry and scream [...]


JW about Tears and Tantrums
Thu, 20.09.2007 21:10
Thank you for this... we are trying to understand why our 4 year old is so emotional.. ask her a simple thing or [...]


L.C about Tears and Tantrums
Sat, 15.09.2007 10:26
Thank you for your comments. It makes me feel great to know that I was helpful. Lisa


AJ about Tears and Tantrums
Fri, 14.09.2007 14:31
THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU!! I felt sooo alone, but after googling, I found your site, and I feel better knowing that [...]


L.C. about Grade 3 Stressing Over Homework
Fri, 14.09.2007 09:21
Thanks for your comments Marion. I personally have been down that road and followed Solter's advice and stayed with and [...]


Marion about Grade 3 Stressing Over Homework
Fri, 14.09.2007 07:26
In addition to reading Aletha Solter's work (www.awareparen ting.com), which has already been mentioned here, I also [...]


L.C. about Parenting Question - 9 Year Old Does not Like Correction
Tue, 11.09.2007 21:57
Hi Bekah, I've answered your question - click on homepage


Bekah about Parenting Question - 9 Year Old Does not Like Correction
Tue, 11.09.2007 09:22
My son had his first homework assignment of third grade yesterday. Before we even got home he was crying in the car [...]


anon about The Teacher is a Bully
Mon, 16.07.2007 09:56
Thank you for posting this detailed and well-written letter. I am a parent of a high-school student. Both of us have [...]


me about The Forgotten Child
Sun, 15.07.2007 19:22
no problem. Just be careful with the carbs thing. There is a such thing as GOOD carbs, that give your body much needed [...]


L.C. about The Forgotten Child
Sun, 15.07.2007 14:10
Thank you for your insight. He's big on carbs but we don't have white bread or rice, whole wheat is our thing but I [...]


me about The Forgotten Child
Sun, 15.07.2007 08:32
You mentioned alternative treatments. I am 23 and have ADHD. I have never been on medication. The first and most [...]


Friday, September 14. 2007

Tears and Tantrums


I've been asked a lot about kids that cry. We're not talking your 'fell down and scraped her knee' cry or 'can't have that beautiful toy' cry but the kind of crying that never seems to end and that most adults think "oh no, here we go again" at the sound of the all too familiar 'wail of despair'.


If you have an emotionally intense child, you know what I'm talking about and you may even know what I'm talking about if that phrase doesn't seem to fit your child.

Some kids just cry a lot. Some kids have additional stresses in their lives that make them more prone to tears than others and other kids seem to just take things as they come and rarely even seem upset let alone cry.

My oldest was and is of the latter variety. It's easy to deal with these kids because when they cry it easily attracts your attention because it's rare and more to the point, for the most part, we can even understand the tears. A friend rejects (or disses or ditches as my son would say), they did poorly on a test, they didn't make the soccer team. It's easy to parent this tearful child with acceptance, empathy and comfort at these times.

It's the kids like The Girl and The Dervish who cry seemingly ALL THE TIME that drain your energy and resources and make you say... or at least want to say... "oh get over it already!"

The fact is that the majority of the time kids are not crying in an attempt to manipulate us or make us crazy. Kids that cry a lot tend to have strong emotions and perhaps a lower tolerance to stress than some of their peers. These kids tend to either cry at every seemingly 'minor' disappointments OR, on the flip side, hold it back until their emotions bubble over and they release with an explosive rage. However, crying - and raging - is the body's way of relieving stress and if you've ever been having a 'day' that made you think "I could really use a good cry" you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Our kids that cry a lot don't 'think' "I need a good cry" - they just do it.

In my opinion, the greatest mistake we can make as parents is to discourage those tears. My parents gave me a look and said "Oh Lisa" in a tone that I can still bring front and center in my mind at any point in time that I think or write about this stuff or even, at 46 years old, when I think I'm doing something my mother might not approve of.

Crying is a display of an emotion. It is no less worthy of being shown and accepted than laughter and smiles yet as parents all we want to do is "make it stop".

Althea Solter, author of The Aware Baby, Tears and Tantrums, Helping Young Children Flourish and several other books is a Swiss/American developmental psychologist, who is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline.

I spent many years discussing and debating Althea Solter's theories, philosophies and methods and while I did eventually attempt some of the more radical of her techniques in dealing with crying children, it never quite felt comfortable to me and I was always worried I was doing the wrong thing so I stopped the techniques like "holding" but kept the believe in the primary philosophy which in my interpretation is that tears and tantrums are emotional stress releases. That by encouraging your children to use their body's natural mechanism to release tension and stress (tears) you are teaching them to trust in their bodies, to honor their own feelings and above all else (in my opinion) not to repress their feelings.

I personally have taken a somewhat different approach in that I aspire to be accepting (doesn't always work out - but I try), to encourage them to express themselves in whatever manner they choose (without using violence or mean spiritedness etc) and try to get the message across that I am here for them, that even though I sometimes don't understand, I do accept that they need to release and that after they do, they feel better, calmer, more at peace.

For anyone looking for what some would consider a truly radical approach to parenting (definitely will NOT appeal to authoritarian diciplinarians), please check out the Aware Parenting Web Site which is full of articles and information of this particular parenting philosophy.

Posted by L.C. in Parenting Advice at 10:47 | Comments (4) | Trackback (1)

Trackbacks
Trackback specific URI for this entry

7 Year old cries a lot
Parenting Question7 year old has not outgrown tearsreceived September 12, 2007Q. My oldest son will be turning 8 next month and crys over everything. He has been like this since he was a toddler and I thought it would be something he would grow out
Weblog: Parenting An Intense Child
Tracked: Sep 15, 10:31

Comments
Display comments as (Linear | Threaded)

THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU!! I felt sooo alone, but after googling, I found your site, and I feel better knowing that my 6 year old isn't the only one. What you just talked about describes my son soooo well. Thank you for this site....AJ
#1 AJ on 2007-09-14 14:31 (Reply)
Thank you for your comments. It makes me feel great to know that I was helpful.

Lisa
#1.1 L.C (Homepage) on 2007-09-15 10:26 (Reply)
I feel so much relief knowing there are others out there experiencing the same thing. Do your children cry and scream for extended periods (8-15 min.) in school? My 7 year old son has these outbursts in school for any thing that we would consider to be a small disappointment or if he has to apply himself with effort in school. What do you do? How do you help the teachers manage this? We've been dealing with this since he was born and I'm at a loss as to how to help him!
#1.2 eharrigan on 2007-10-11 21:04 (Reply)
Thank you for this... we are trying to understand why our 4 year old is so emotional.. ask her a simple thing or question and she burst out crying... Her school has even called and noticed the same thing. she is a very happy child.
#2 JW on 2007-09-20 21:10 (Reply)

Add Comment

Enclosing asterisks marks text as bold (*word*), underscore are made via _word_.
Standard emoticons like :-) and ;-) are converted to images.

To prevent automated Bots from commentspamming, please enter the string you see in the image below in the appropriate input box. Your comment will only be submitted if the strings match. Please ensure that your browser supports and accepts cookies, or your comment cannot be verified correctly.
CAPTCHA

 
Submitted comments will be subject to moderation before being displayed.
 


Filters - Find entries
Author Category Content
Sort order
Sort by Sort order entries per page
Home
Blog
Parenting Styles
Temperament
Labels
Herbal Remedies
Conditions & Disorders
Articles
Site Map
Parenting Resources
Webmaster Resources
Parenting Books

Reccomended Reading

Amazon.com: Tears and Tantrums: What to Do When Babies and Children Cry: Books: Aletha Jauch Solter by Aletha Jauch Solter

Top Exits

Favorite links

  • The Aware Baby
  • Tears and Tantrums
  • Helping Young Children
    Flourish
  • Aware Parenting

Syndicate This Blog

XML RSS 0.91 feed
XML RSS 1.0 feed
XML RSS 2.0 feed
ATOM/XML ATOM 0.3 feed
ATOM/XML ATOM 1.0 feed
XML RSS 2.0 Comments

Quicksearch

Archives

July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
Recent...
Older...

Blog Administration

Open login screen

Design by Free CSS Templates for Serendipity ported by Reinhard