Parenting Question

7 year old has not outgrown tears

received September 12, 2007

Q. My oldest son will be turning 8 next month and crys over everything. He has been like this since he was a toddler and I thought it would be something he would grow out of but it doesn't

seem like it's ever going to get better. It's creating a lot of stress in our family and I need advice on how to handle it better. Is it possible that he might have some underlying

psychological issue that we need to talk to a counselor about? He lives in a nurturing family environment and his other younger brothers do not act like this. Please help!

A.Hi, thanks for your question.

When I read your question I was reminded of my sister talking about my niece. My niece was generally a happy child but she had a tendency to cry over the smallest things, often things that didn't make sense to anyone around her.

For example, on a long trip the family typically would stop about 1/2 way to the destination, this was a favorite treat for the kids. My niece had fallen asleep in the car and when they reached the fast food stop my sister woke her up to tell her they had arrived. My niece promptly burst into tears - totally baffling her parents.

Tears are the body's natural stress relief and some people are just better at it than others. I used to be good at it when I was a child - I was the one always in tears but my parents soon 'cured' me of that! I could tell you how to do that they way my parents did but I don't really recommend teaching your children to bury their emotions. I'm more in favor of teaching them other ways to express them when possible.

If your son is generally happy and easy going except for the emotional meltdowns I wouldn't be terribly worried about it. It's probably not something you need to have checked out but since I'm not a doctor or a therapist, that is just my gut feeling and it certainly doesn't hurt to go ahead and rule out any underlying conditions. (how's that for a wishy washy answer?)

On the other hand, if he's of a dark and gloomy nature and has temper outbursts as well as the crying I would definitely suggest you have him checked by his doctor.

Based on just the fact that he cries a lot and that you consider yourselves to be a nurturing family, I would focus on minimizing the stress this is causing your family.

• How does he feel about the crying? Is it bothersome to him, maybe just in certain situations - like at school or with his friends?
• If there are times that he wishes he wouldn't cry then you can work with him on developing coping strategies such as learning to recognize his body's signals when things are getting too much for him - if he sees it coming, perhaps he can use some self calming techniques to prevent the tears... a quiet moment to pull himself together, a self dialog to point himself at the
• more positive things or the positive side of what's going on. Perhaps a journal and of course, learning to "use his words". This is a great skill for all ages and stages of development. To learn how to express your feelings verbally is an excellent skill that will be beneficial throughout his life.
• Work on accepting that he is an emotional child and finding ways to minimize the stress on the family. That can happen in various ways but it will involve working together as a family, including your son. For example, find out from him what he needs from you, perhaps a hug, perhaps a mention that you feel bad that he's sad... maybe he needs to vent.... whatever - at his age it will probably take some brain storming with you offering most of the ideas but encourage him to present ideas of his own - none are too silly to mention but can be too silly to seriously consider.
• Then if say you find that when he's crying he would like a hug you could suggest that he come for his hug and then if he's still feeling like crying that he have a special quiet place to go and calm himself.
• It's fine to cry but not at the expense of others in the family getting stressed out.

I'm going to refer you to a website that offers comprehensive theories on crying and the healing powers of tears. The author, Althea Solter is what I would consider to be a revolutionary in the field or children and tears. There are several books she has that you might find helpful. You can visit the Aware Parenting site here.

Please also see my post on Tears & Tantrums

I hope I've been able to offer some helpful suggestions. Please feel free to leave a comment in the blog entry,

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I subscribe to a google blog alert with the key words "intense children". This helps me know what else in the world web about intense kids because I too like to read up on the subject.

A week or so ago my alert came in and a particular section struck my interest. Unfortunately I've lost track of where it is but it was a newspaper letter to the editor or personal commentary from a citizen.

This particular citizen was lamenting over the fact that others had ruined her weekend by all the nasty looks and stares she got while disciplining her child.

She admitted to being a spanking parent but it was unclear as to if she used this particular discipline on the day question but what she did do was haul her 4 year old out to the car and buckled him in (to protect him) while he had a full blown meltdown.

Honestly, I've done that. When Dervish was younger his meltdowns were full bore - flailing and kicking and of course, the ear piercing screaming. I would put him in the van and then lean against - where he could see me - waiting for a split second cease fire so that I could ask him if he was ready to calm down. (a way of letting him know what I expected and that I was still paying attention). Often times these episodes would go on for 15 minutes before he got it out of his system and was ready to return to the activity.

There was no swatting, spanking or hitting involved - but I get the impression the woman who was writing to that newspaper had used some physical discipline based on the fact that she kept going on about it and how there was nothing wrong with it and it was the thing that worked for her children and then.... then... the gem of the rant was pointing fingers back at all those of us to choose to raise our children without using physical discipline are the ones with our kids running around like brats, rude and ill behaved and "we" had the gal to condemn her for taking charge of her child.

So, what was the child in question doing to cause this onslaught of discipline? He was throwing chairs.

So, what I want to know, is if spanking your child works so well, why was the child throwing chairs in the first place? How's it working for you so far?

If only the argument would make some sense. I can even deal with the "that's how I was raised and that's how I'll raise my children". I can accept a bad parenting moment (you know we all have them!!) but for someone to basically 'yell' at the public at large for ruining HER weekend by the bad looks and stares she was getting in the act of 'discipline'.... it sounded like she ruined her weekend herself.

Anyway, whoever you are, thanks for helping me make my case against spanking children - I can debate until the cows come home on the topic but there was really no need on this occasion.

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