Parenting Question

Grade 3 Homework Stress

received September 10, 2007

Q. My son had his first homework assignment of third grade yesterday. Before we even got home he was crying in the car about how hard it was
going to be to copy his spelling words three times. I would equate it
to the anxiety I feel going to the dentist for a root canal. He was
actually crying over homework that he hadn't even started yet.

We got started on the homework and he insisted he needed help. I
explained that the only 'help' he could get was to have someone else write the words out and that was not allowed.

When he came down to his
last word he had to copy three times he spelled it wrong so I corrected
him and told him that "Glance is spelled G-A, not G-E" and he went on
and on about how he KNEW it was with an E not an A. He started crying
and screaming for us to LEAVE HIM ALONE after having begged us to help
him.

I finally put him in time out so he could calm down and I finished cooking dinner while he calmed down. Right before I set the table I had
him come finish his work and he did, with no fight or argument or
anything. His emotional outbursts can be about anything, not just
homework. It seems like he will argue a point till he is blue in the
face rather than admit that he is wrong. I don't know how to get him
over this. It's exactly how my little brother used to be (still is) and
I don't want my son to be anything like my little brother who to this
day (at age 29) is still a great source of heartache and stress for my mother.

I wish there was an EASY button I could push. I feel so bad for
him when he has these emotional outbursts, but I feel like there is
little to nothing I can do. I tell him everyday how smart he is and how
proud of him I am, but it's never enough. On top of all of that
yesterday I already had the biggest headache from work and I felt like
giving up, giving in, just letting him do what he wants. I can't do
this every time he has homework, I just can't.
He has an hour after he gets home before he starts homework and he also
has a snack. I didn't do that on purpose for that reason, it just
happened that way. We make games out of his homework so it's 'fun' to
do, but even that can backfire at the drop of a hat. I don't know what
else I can do to help homework time go smoother..... do you have any suggestions?

It sounds like you are already doing much of what I would suggest - making sure he's not hungry, that he has a break after school before homework time etc., The fact that he started this behavior in the car on the way home makes it sound like he felt it was an overwhelming task.

As I write this I'm watching my Dervish do his spelling list. He's also complaining about it even though his teacher has assigned rainbow words Rainbow words is writing the word out first in pencil then using a color over top of it and then another color on top of that - essentially writing the words three times but in a more interesting and creative way.

Anyway.... Dervish gets worked up like that too, over everything and tends to get himself in a real knot in no time at all - and just like your son, over anything - not just homework.

The way I see it in your case and mine, the problem is not the homework, it's the anxious feelings they get about every day stuff and since most every day stuff, like writing out spelling words are not worthy of the amount of anxiety they have over it, I tend to believe they bottle up feelings and tensions and then explode over the next little thing.

Much like the straw that breaks the camels back. Perhaps a disappointments on the playground, some lesson he had a hard time understanding, a reprimand from a teacher? All small stresses but in emotionally intense kids they tend to build up and explode out over something that seems silly to the rest of us.

I had a conversation with the Dervish one day this summer when he was having one of these storm cloud moments. He was lashing at everything and nothing was worth doing and no one was worth his time or consideration.

We talked about how he felt, how his body felt at these times and he described it like something grabbing at his insides, making him feel like lashing out and hitting people.

After that conversation I've been able to help him curb those moods by identifying them too him - "Dervish, you seem to be having one of those angry moments". The only thing that seems to help him is some alone time or quiet time. Depending on where we are and the situation I'll suggest anything from going up to his room and drawing, to going out and shooting hoops or kicking a ball around or playing a video game... ALONE (I've even stopped the car near an open field or something and had him run in circles to expel some tension). That works for him it may work for your guy too or maybe he needs something else to bring him out of it. I think the key to our successful conversation was that I recognized that he doesn't enjoy feeling this way and told him that I want to help him figure it out and fix it - that we would work together to figure it out and that I wouldn't give up.

So here are my suggestions:

• Make sure he gets enough sleep. A nine year old typically needs 10 hours of sleep a night. Sleep deprivation can mimic many emotional disorders
• Encourage him to talk about things that bother him, even little things - if he gets it out, he's less likely to bottle up and explode when the pressure gets too much
• Work with him on a plan for his emotional moments - best when he's not in the middle of one - and brainstorm ideas of how he can calm himself - make sure he knows your on his side.
• When homework is the issue, or any task that seems to have overwhelmed him (sometimes Dervish gets like this over doing the dishes - his chore - it's "too much", "it will take forever" that kind of thing. Help him to break down large overwhelming tasks into smaller more managable tasks that seem less daunting. For example, with writing out words, if he has a list of 15, break them into 3 groups of 5 with a mini break and high five in between.
• Finally, check with the teacher to see if any of these issuse present at school. I did that with Dervish's teacher and she looked at me like I'd grown a second head right in front of her eyes. In her eyes, Dervish is a model student. This tells me he puts a lot of pressure on himself to hold it together and behave appropriately at school so it makes sense that when he gets home - his safe home and safe mom, that's when he lets it go.

If by chance the teacher notices the same issues then there might be a more complex problem you might want to investigate.

There are a couple of things you said that sent me off the beaten path to offer suggestions.

The first thing is that you mentioned he's very much like your brother who is still arguing at 29. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor or a therapist, my suggestions are based on my life experiences not formal training.

That said, it might be worth investigating ODD, oppositional defiant disorder. This is quoted from the University of Virginia

Most symptoms seen in children and adolescents with oppositional defiant disorder also occur at times in children without this disorder, especially around the ages or 2 or 3, or during the teenage years. Many children, especially when they are tired, hungry, or upset, tend to disobey, argue with parents, or defy authority. However, in children and adolescents with oppositional defiant disorder, these symptoms occur more frequently and interfere with learning, school adjustment, and, sometimes, with the child's (adolescent's) relationships with others.

Symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder may include:

* frequent temper tantrums
* excessive arguments with adults
* refusal to comply with adult requests
* always questioning rules; refusal to follow rules
* behavior intended to annoy or upset others, including adults
* blaming others for his/her misbehaviors or mistakes
* easily annoyed by others
* frequently has an angry attitude
* speaking harshly, or unkind
* deliberately behaving in ways that seek revenge

The symptoms of ODD may resemble other medical conditions or behavior problems. Always consult your child's (adolescent's) physician for a diagnosis.

I'm not suggesting that I, or anyone else could diagnose something like ODD from the little information you've provided here, I'm just trying to cover as many possibilities as i can - you are in the best position to know if there is anything to the idea of ODD or even ADD or ADHD (all of which can be inter mingled or present overlapping symptoms)

I hope I've been of some help. Please feel free to comment on my suggestions.

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Parenting Question

7 year old has not outgrown tears

received September 12, 2007

Q. My oldest son will be turning 8 next month and crys over everything. He has been like this since he was a toddler and I thought it would be something he would grow out of but it doesn't

seem like it's ever going to get better. It's creating a lot of stress in our family and I need advice on how to handle it better. Is it possible that he might have some underlying

psychological issue that we need to talk to a counselor about? He lives in a nurturing family environment and his other younger brothers do not act like this. Please help!

A.Hi, thanks for your question.

When I read your question I was reminded of my sister talking about my niece. My niece was generally a happy child but she had a tendency to cry over the smallest things, often things that didn't make sense to anyone around her.

For example, on a long trip the family typically would stop about 1/2 way to the destination, this was a favorite treat for the kids. My niece had fallen asleep in the car and when they reached the fast food stop my sister woke her up to tell her they had arrived. My niece promptly burst into tears - totally baffling her parents.

Tears are the body's natural stress relief and some people are just better at it than others. I used to be good at it when I was a child - I was the one always in tears but my parents soon 'cured' me of that! I could tell you how to do that they way my parents did but I don't really recommend teaching your children to bury their emotions. I'm more in favor of teaching them other ways to express them when possible.

If your son is generally happy and easy going except for the emotional meltdowns I wouldn't be terribly worried about it. It's probably not something you need to have checked out but since I'm not a doctor or a therapist, that is just my gut feeling and it certainly doesn't hurt to go ahead and rule out any underlying conditions. (how's that for a wishy washy answer?)

On the other hand, if he's of a dark and gloomy nature and has temper outbursts as well as the crying I would definitely suggest you have him checked by his doctor.

Based on just the fact that he cries a lot and that you consider yourselves to be a nurturing family, I would focus on minimizing the stress this is causing your family.

• How does he feel about the crying? Is it bothersome to him, maybe just in certain situations - like at school or with his friends?
• If there are times that he wishes he wouldn't cry then you can work with him on developing coping strategies such as learning to recognize his body's signals when things are getting too much for him - if he sees it coming, perhaps he can use some self calming techniques to prevent the tears... a quiet moment to pull himself together, a self dialog to point himself at the
• more positive things or the positive side of what's going on. Perhaps a journal and of course, learning to "use his words". This is a great skill for all ages and stages of development. To learn how to express your feelings verbally is an excellent skill that will be beneficial throughout his life.
• Work on accepting that he is an emotional child and finding ways to minimize the stress on the family. That can happen in various ways but it will involve working together as a family, including your son. For example, find out from him what he needs from you, perhaps a hug, perhaps a mention that you feel bad that he's sad... maybe he needs to vent.... whatever - at his age it will probably take some brain storming with you offering most of the ideas but encourage him to present ideas of his own - none are too silly to mention but can be too silly to seriously consider.
• Then if say you find that when he's crying he would like a hug you could suggest that he come for his hug and then if he's still feeling like crying that he have a special quiet place to go and calm himself.
• It's fine to cry but not at the expense of others in the family getting stressed out.

I'm going to refer you to a website that offers comprehensive theories on crying and the healing powers of tears. The author, Althea Solter is what I would consider to be a revolutionary in the field or children and tears. There are several books she has that you might find helpful. You can visit the Aware Parenting site here.

Please also see my post on Tears & Tantrums

I hope I've been able to offer some helpful suggestions. Please feel free to leave a comment in the blog entry,

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