Challenges of Intense Children

Joe Btfsplk

I don't remember Joe from the L'ill Abner comic strip but Nana does and she thinks the Dervish is just like him these days.

Joe is touted as the worlds best friend but a jinx who goes through life with a storm cloud raining over his head.

The Dervish doesn't exactly match the character's description. I'm sure he's a good friend, he has many of them. I don't think he's a jinx though - except to maybe himself.

Dervish has always been prone to his 'bad moods' but lately those moods have been more and more frequent and tend to have the staying power of the Dervish himself. They are big and bad and foul and intense and there is no way that you can be in the room with The Dervish and not know that he is having a 'mood' - he simply will not allow that kind of inattention!

There's a theory out there that I've seen proven time and time again that children, on or about their half birthdays, tend to go through a developmental leap that seems to throw them for a loop and can leave parents dazed and confused.

I first found out about this 1/2 year thing when the pie was 3.5 years old and I was going crazy over some of his behaviors (laughing out loud now when I think about what drove me crazy then) Anyway, there is a series of books by Louise Bates Ames entitled "your 1 year old", "your 2 year old" .... etc.,. I didn't own the book but someone quoted the 3 year old book and it was like whoever had written it had been peeking in my window. Since then I've been aware of the 1/2 year thing and found that often, when one of my children has traded in their personality for another that if I do the math, it's very near the 6 months mark until their birthday.

Dervish is about 7 months from turning 9. Maybe that's it. I Hope that's it because if it's not I have big BIG problems.

The mood appears to come out of thin air. A perfectly happy 8 year old turns into a rolling thunder cloud with no warning what-so-ever and much like a hurricane, whirls through the house uprooting everything and everyone in his path.

I winced today as Nana described the cartoon character to him this morning - afraid of his reaction. She ended with "So we'll call you Joe". Interestingly enough, his reaction, while definitely not 'pleased' - was restrained to a simple "I don't want to be called Joe" and he even did it without growling! Apparently Nana still commands some respect while the rest of us are little more than tumbleweed ready to be blown out of the way. sigh.

As pleased as I was that he wasn't outright rude to Nana, the fact that I had my armor up ready for him to be concerns me. Here I am shrinking back in 'fear' of the mood of my 8 year old. There's something wrong with that picture.

We had a chat over the weekend during one of his moods. We're trying to establish together what brings them on and how to stop them, or turn them, or control them.

It's rough going. We have to wade through all the blame (everyone yells at me - they don't, I can't do anything - he can, and other why it's not his fault - it isn't) and try to get to the root of it - what exactly sets him off.

So far I've learned that it feels to him like there's something sharp inside him (anxiety?) and that it comes on like a switch, not gradually. I've noticed that there's a potential that food is related to it - too much junk or not enough food. I've noticed that he seems to get calmer when he's one on one and/or walking.... and of course, I wouldn't be a good parent if I didn't try to blame it on not having enough sleep!

So the Dad and I are trying to tighten up the routine - get on a good schedule (not easy for me at the best of times - more difficult during summer vacation!) and we are focused on these moods and trying to see what works and what doesn't.

We're pretty good at what doesn't work.

Arguing with him does not work.

Asking him to go calm down does not work.

Having lots of people around does not work.

Making suggestions does not work.

I will post when I figure out what does.

Parenting Emotionally Intense Challenging Children

One of the common issues with emotionally intense children is anxiety. I find that both The Dervish and The Girl tend to get anxious easily and often times I have difficulty understanding the reasons for their anxiety.

I've mentioned before that the girl gets anxious about things like loud noises but they are specific types of loud noises, rumbling noises, like the washer going off balance, thunder, loud motors - but for some reasons, trains don't seem to be an issue.

The Dervish gets himself worked up over perceived problems. Any kind of conflict will send him into a bit of a tail spin and he misinterprets people's intentions and reads injustice into everything - that's when he gets bouncing.

I recently came across Our Kids Are Special and found this information on childhood anxiety... reprinted with permission.

Many children deal with different types of anxiety. These fears and
phobias can be so real and intense that they can immobilize the child.

In part one we will look at the different kinds of anxieties, and
what some of there symptoms are. Part two will discuss ways that
we can help our children deal with these disorders.

I know this list does not cover ever know type of anxiety disorder. It does however touch on seven of the biggest.

1. Generalized Anxiety Disorder - The child experiences an unrealistic worry about almost anything and everything they encounter. The Children’s Hospital Boston explained it as “Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is defined as chronic, excessive worry and fear that seems to have no real cause. Children or adolescents with generalized anxiety disorder often worry a lot about things such as future events, past behaviors, social acceptance, family matters, their personal abilities, and/or school performance.”
2. Separation Anxiety - This is typically found in younger children. They are unwilling or very apprehensive to be separated from significant people in their lives such as parents, grand parents, an older brother/ sister. These children can become very clingy. They may also experience things like depression or being sad.
3. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - After being part of or witnessing a traumatic event such as sexual abuse, violence or physical abuse, natural disasters like earthquake or hurricane, the child may experience extreme feelings of fear and helplessness. These feeling are re-occurring and can come in the form of thoughts, images, and nightmares.
4. Panic Disorders - This is when a child is continually experiencing recurring panic attacks. These panic attacks come on unexpectedly and are defined as sudden episodes of intense fear and/or discomfort. Symptoms may include rapid heart beat, sweating, shortness of breath, a feeling of choking, feelings of being lightheaded or being dizzy, and nausea.
5. Phobias - Child phobias are intense and ongoing fears of certain situations and things. For instance a fear of spiders, thunder and lightning, fear of water or drowning. These intense feeling of fear and dread may seem unreasonable to an onlooker, but to the child experiencing the phobia, they are very real.
6. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - Is when a child will repeat the same behaviors without being able to control the urge to do so (compulsion). Or think the same thoughts or images even though these thoughts are unwanted, and they try not too (obsession). An example would be checking to make sure the door is locked at night, every night many times over and then some times even getting up again to check.
7. Social Anxiety Disorders - This is an intense fear of coming into contact with certain people or groups of people. It may be certain social interaction and settings that cause these fears. They may try to avoid the situation all together as much as possible.

Even though these fears don’t seem realistic to parents, teachers,friends or anyone, to that child they are very real. These anxieties can be crippling because they are so intense for the child.