Discipline

I subscribe to a google blog alert with the key words "intense children". This helps me know what else in the world web about intense kids because I too like to read up on the subject.

A week or so ago my alert came in and a particular section struck my interest. Unfortunately I've lost track of where it is but it was a newspaper letter to the editor or personal commentary from a citizen.

This particular citizen was lamenting over the fact that others had ruined her weekend by all the nasty looks and stares she got while disciplining her child.

She admitted to being a spanking parent but it was unclear as to if she used this particular discipline on the day question but what she did do was haul her 4 year old out to the car and buckled him in (to protect him) while he had a full blown meltdown.

Honestly, I've done that. When Dervish was younger his meltdowns were full bore - flailing and kicking and of course, the ear piercing screaming. I would put him in the van and then lean against - where he could see me - waiting for a split second cease fire so that I could ask him if he was ready to calm down. (a way of letting him know what I expected and that I was still paying attention). Often times these episodes would go on for 15 minutes before he got it out of his system and was ready to return to the activity.

There was no swatting, spanking or hitting involved - but I get the impression the woman who was writing to that newspaper had used some physical discipline based on the fact that she kept going on about it and how there was nothing wrong with it and it was the thing that worked for her children and then.... then... the gem of the rant was pointing fingers back at all those of us to choose to raise our children without using physical discipline are the ones with our kids running around like brats, rude and ill behaved and "we" had the gal to condemn her for taking charge of her child.

So, what was the child in question doing to cause this onslaught of discipline? He was throwing chairs.

So, what I want to know, is if spanking your child works so well, why was the child throwing chairs in the first place? How's it working for you so far?

If only the argument would make some sense. I can even deal with the "that's how I was raised and that's how I'll raise my children". I can accept a bad parenting moment (you know we all have them!!) but for someone to basically 'yell' at the public at large for ruining HER weekend by the bad looks and stares she was getting in the act of 'discipline'.... it sounded like she ruined her weekend herself.

Anyway, whoever you are, thanks for helping me make my case against spanking children - I can debate until the cows come home on the topic but there was really no need on this occasion.

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I'm pretty sure the summer vacation was only about an hour old when the squabbling siblings started.

It's not that my 3 kids don't fight any other time but it seems so much more intense during holidays because they are together more often and for greater blocks of time - there's no school to interrupt - no distance to make the heart grow fonder!

The only two that don't normally engage in constant battle are the oldest (Pie) and youngest (The Girl). Fights between those two are few and far between which makes me wonder if perhaps 8 years is a good gap between kids!

The Girl and Dervish are the worst. Probably their similar intense temperament and intense personalities makes their squabbles so much more passionate and LOUD.

It was a peaceful morning. It's been raining. We had breakfast of waffles and then because the Dervish has been interested in jokes, I found a kids joke site and rhymed off countless one liners for his amusement. Everything was going so well. We discussed the potential activities for the day which included movie watching and the PS2 soccer game we'd rented (since it was raining). Then the rain stopped and I suggested they go out bike riding while they could.

The next thing I know there is a horrible ear piercing shriek (unmistakably The Girl's angry frustrated shriek) I let that one slide. A few minutes later, another and then another. Sigh. I go out to see what the issue is and find them both standing in the shed.

The Girl is very obviously struggling to undo the clip on her bike helmet - easily resolved, I release the clip. Then the chorus of "he did" "she did" starts. In short order I get that she wants her bike in the shed to keep it dry - he knows bikes don't go in the shed and is preventing her from putting it there. Ok, no, bikes don't go in the shed - yes, your bike might get wet but yes, it will dry. Problem solved.

The question is, should I be in there resolving each and every problem? No.

Discipline is teaching and as parents, it's our job to teach our children the skills they require to get through life, like problem solving.

In the adult world, the same intense passion as my 4 and 8 year old display in fighting over where a bike belongs ends in conflict and war - we need to teach our children to resolve problems rationally using cooperation and empathy so here are some tips for teaching that skill.

• Don't focus on who started it or who's fault it is. These things are irrelevant and assigning any kind of blame is pointless to resolving the root issue.
• Find the root issue. The root issue is not that one hit another or that one is screaming or that one took a toy that belonged to the other. The root issue would be why one hit or why one is screaming or why a toy was taken. This is also a good time for a "feelings check". Is someone feeling left out, jealous, inferior?
• Use negotiation to find a win-win solution. Help your children work it out using negotiation techniques. State the problem clearly and ask them to offer suggestions of how the problem might be resolved that they will both (or all) be happy with the outcome. Perhaps they can play with the toy together, maybe there is another similar toy that they can both play with one and trade at intervals, maybe there is another game they can play. The goal is to get them to cooperate to find a solution.

These things will take practice but the eventual outcome is that they will learn to do their own negotiating and problem solving. Once they realize that they aren't going to get you on one side or the other, they will start to try doing this themselves.

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