Some Parenting tips I find helpful with My Intense Child

Give Choices but limit them. An intense child can be overwhelmed by too many options but also wants to have some control so give choices but limit them to 2 or 3 at most (start with 2) So rather than "what do you want for a snack" leaving you open to an unacceptable choice or frustration by too many options, give choices of 2 or 3 acceptable choices.. "you can have an apple, a banana or cheese and crackers for snack"

Time out isn't just for kids. If you're boiling over, excuse yourself for a few moments of chill out time. Let your child know that even mom's and dad's get frustrated and angry and we know that trying to solve a problem in that state of mind can be futile. Take your time out and model self calming for your child - come back to the situation calm and reasonable (and hopefully your child will be calm and reasonable too by then)

10 Minute warning. Lot's of kids have difficulty adapting to change but intense children often have more difficulty than most. Prepare them in advance when you can reasonably expect difficulty. "We're going to the park for an hour". Then let them know something that will happen after that might help them transition "Then we're heading home for a snack"

Don't just say no. Redirection is a valuable tool to keep the intensity level to a dull roar. Rather than "Stop That" when he's jumping from the couch to the floor, try "Practice your jumping upstairs or outside please". Dervish will tend to lock down if I just tell him to stop doing something, but if I can redirect him to an alternative that's just as much fun (serves the same purpose) it often stops the lock down before it starts.

Allow a child to express
his strong emotions. Emotions are always OK, although
some behaviors are not. Make the difference clear to your child. It's
okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit people.

Look for and praise the behavior you want to see. I might be tempted to say "but I never see that behavior" but that's not true, I do see it when I'm looking for it. It might be something really small (He picks up The Girl's toy off the floor and hands it to her) but that's a big deal, doing something nice without being asked, being considerate, thinking of others etc., Dervish is terminally pessimistic so I watch for a glimmer of hope in him and verbally notice it and praise him for thinking positive.

Check your expectations. Is it reasonable for your child to behave
the way you're expecting him to? Children can only work with the tools
they have, which are limited by age and maturity.

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When my Pie was 2 he used to have meltdowns. I have to laugh loud now when I think of what I used to call a meltdown before the Dervish and The Girl arrived!

Anyway, being a strong supporter and believer in positive parenting and in the belief that children must not have their emotions supressed, naturally I didn't punish tantrums, meltdowns or emotional outbursts - but that didn't mean that I wanted to walk through a store with a screaming child or to leave the store every time my child decided now was the time he'd been emotionally overloaded.

I had a system that worked very well with Pie. When he became overloaded we would find a quiet spot, I would sit with him on my lap (yes, even in an isle in walmart) and I would talk quietly to him and ask him to take some deep breaths to help him calm down. He always obliged and in no time we were finishing up the shopping and heading home (I'm not crazy, calming one meltdown is cool, but there's a message in there.. .can't take too much more mom!)

When Dervish came along I naturally tried my "tried and true method" of calming down.

This is a perfect example to support the "no such thing as cookie cutter discipline" theory.

I should have had a clue, Dervish's meltdowns were jaw dropping, double take manufacturing, different than anything Pie had ever demonstrated.

"Take a deep breath" I said calmly. The pitch of the scream was ear piercing.... Come on Dervish, and I demonstrated, he punctuated the scream with some kicking. Not easily swayed, I persisted, this HAD to work, it had always worked with Pie. I demonstrated some more and told him how easy it was and that he would feel better... no dice, he wasn't doing it, no way no how.

Over the months and years to follow I tried various methods to teach my intense child to calm himself and still haven't come upon a perfect soloution. There's no magic bullet for him, nothing that works every time - sometimes he just has to work it out of his system... ok, well all the time he has to do that but sometimes there are things that will speed up the process...

Empathy, being left alone, staying with him, empathy, humor, logic (very very rare). So, the roller coaster continues.

I've added some article feeds to the Intense Child website - I believe we are always learning and at no point can we ever say "I've tried everything" so take a look at the articles and see if there might be something you can use. Parenting Articles