Parenting An Intense Child - A day in the life

It's Soccer Time Again

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 21:54:33 -0700

Soccer never ends.

We had a pretty good season with The Dervish on his Rep Soccer Team but we were not all together pleased with the team as a whole and the coaching.

I know, I sound like a typical soccer mom or over interested parent. Whining that "my son didn't get enough field time" but I truly tried to stay objective. I didn't want to be that whining parent that thinks their child is the be all and end all of the sport so I focused on the game and watched the treatment of other players as well and what I saw was that this coach didn't actually have a clue.

Perhaps he would be a great coach for teenagers or adults but these were 7 and 8 year old boys and while I do believe that it can't all be pats on the back and high fives, I think a certain amount of encouragement is required for this age group. They are still learning and honestly, the skill level amazes me when I think of how young they are but they need to be recognized by their coach for their efforts and improvements regularly.

The coach was harsh 95% of the time and encouraging and praising 5% of the time. I just don't think thats enough to keep kids motivated and enthusiastic for the game.

The soccer practices baffled me. We started out with 2 practices a week but by mid season we were lucky to have one. The coach would practice Dervish in forward position and then in the next game, put him in defense. (This didn't just happen to Dervish but to the other players as well) He played them way too long on the field, leaving out there to the point that they were exhausted while the opposing team would switch 3 times for every one of ours.

Anyway, the season is over. The team started off well but towards the end, lost almost every game. It was disheartening to say the least, especially given that they had the potential to do much better.

Before the season was over, The Dad and I made a couple of decisions. First of all we would keep the Dervish in his age group for the next season. (He played a year up because there was no team for his age group). Secondly, we would find a more 'together' soccer league in the area. (I know I didn't mention it but this league was definitely suffering from a total lack of organization).

The season was only over for a couple of weeks and we found out that the league in a nearby town was holding their tryouts already. Dervish's team had played against these guys over the summer and we'd been impressed by the coaching and organization so I inquired about the team and the tryouts, specifically if there was an issue with us not living in that town. There was not.

So a couple of weeks ago we headed out for the first of 2 tryout sessions for the 2007 soccer season.

I can't say how impressed I was by the organization of this soccer league. About 50 kids turned out for the tryouts, they were given pinnies and assigned numbers. No less than 10 coaches were on hand for the assessment and they rotated through four fields of players taking notes and evaluating individuals.

The head coach took time to gather the parents and explain the process. The children would be evaluated by each of the coaches individually and then they would all meet to compare notes. At the next tryout the kids would be divided by level as determined by the coaches and they would be re-evaluated in the same manner.

At the end of the 2nd tryout, the coaches would meet again and determine which of 3 categories the players belonged.

The first category would be the players that needed no further evaluation and who would be invited to join the team for the 2007 season.

The second category would be the players that showed potential but who required further evaluation which would happen over the winter at weekly skills building and training sessions.

The third category would be players who needed further development playing in house league soccer but who would be welcome to attend the winter sessions. They said that they knew at this age, development could improve drastically in a short time and it was possible that these kids would improve to the required level over the winter.

They told us that letters would be sent out by October 10th.

I was pretty sure that Dervish was going to be fine. I could have predicted that he would make the team even if the head coach hadn't approached me after the first tryout and asked me where he had played rep over the summer.

My instincts were verified before the 10th of October though. At Dervish's first winter house league game last week a man walked up to me and said "This is Dervish right?" I was a little shocked because I had no idea who this man was but he introduced himself as one of the coaches from the tryouts. He said that he remembered Dervish from the tryouts and complimented his playing skills, and then he added that all the coaches had been impressed and that he would be getting an invitation to play. Yesterday we got the confirmation.

"Your player has been identified as a Category 1 player. The skills, game sense, and attitude exhibited by your child during the evaluation sessions impressed the coaching staff and accordingly we would like him be a part of our U8 program for the 2007 season. In the next few weeks, you will be receiving the Clubs standard offer to play form for you to complete and return to us at the first indoor session"

Hey, can you tell I'm a proud momma?

Please pardon this unadulterated brag. Raising Dervish is a challenge. His intensity and spirited nature can be overwhelming and there are so many times I'm pulling my hair out - It's just nice to enjoy moments like these.

Raising Spirited Kids

Back to school

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 23:58:37 -0700

It's that time of year for back to school.

On one hand I have Dervish who absolutly lives for school. He's 7. I'm sure he'll grow out of it but I'm enjoying his lust for learning at the moment. He even taught himself to read English over the summer! (French immersion school - no english yet)

The Girl hasn't started yet, another couple of weeks and she goes for her first JK day.

The Pie is another story. For him, school is all about his social life and this learning stuff just interferes with it too much! I spend A LOT of time heaving deep sighs wishing I could motivate him.

I also spend a lot of time searching for education and learning resources on the internet - anything that will make learning fun.

Now, he's not quite there yet but I found something REALLY facinating to me today. It's online drivers education! Man. Online driving school - how cool is that! If only I could send him to grade seven online... It would sure cut out the social aspect of school wouldn't it!

Oh well, driver training online would be ok and when it's time for him to learn to drive, I'll look into it but for now I'd be happy with just getting through grade 7. If anyone has any good education resources - drop me a comment with a link - I'm collecting them you know.

What's In a Name

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 20:18:50 -0700

Have you ever had something just get stuck in your mind? Not anything that should be particularly troubling but just something that keeps bugging you - something that you should have let go a long time ago? Maybe too specific... let's just say I've got a brain hickup that doesn't seem to want to go away and I thought maybe if I just let it out I might cure it.

It's all about The Girl and her name.

She has a perfectly nice name but it's rather common. In case you haven't read my whole life history of parenting in this site, The Girl, well, all my kids, are adopted. She came with the name she has and we only changed the spelling and her middle names.

That may seem like an odd thing to say - after all, she was 5 months old, of course she had a name... but she was young enough that we could change it without much confusion but The Dad and my mother liked the name she came with and I was somewhat over ruled when it came to the idea of changing it.

There seems to be an art of sorts to names. When it comes time to name your baby, people get books, listen to the sound of the name ... first, middle, last... all together now.. does it sound good? (remember to do just the first and last name together - it's not likely that anyone is going to use the middle name in every day life!)

There's really no question when it comes to naming your biological child. You can literally do what you want (despite what the rest of your family thinks).

If you're a celebrity, you have the distinct position of choosing ANY name or even a sound for your child and the masses of average folk shake their heads in dismay when some celebrity names their child after a country or a fruit. I have to admit, some of the wilder ones have had me wondering if the celebrity status will save the child from a life of embarrasment over their moniker or if the "children are cruel" addage is true regardless of who your dad is.

But when your baby comes with a name already, it tends to be a bit of discussion on the ethics of changing his or her name.

We changed Dervish's name but kept his given first name as a middle name because it had meaning to his birth mother. The Pie, well, his birth mother asked us what we wanted to name him and she named him our choice of names.

But I digress. The fact is that I like unusual names. Not ridiculous names but unusual names. I like the name "Suri" (Tom Cruise's baby) and I also like the name Shiloh (Brad & Angelina)... I'm not crazy about Apple or Dweezle or Moon Unit.

Oh.. ya, back to the hickup.... The Girl's name is 'ordinary' and not a name that I was crazy about. I wanted to name her Scotia or Scosha (sounds better than it looks in my opinion). It's too late now - 3.5 years too late but it's been stuck in my brain. It just keep popping up out of nowhere and driving me crazy wishing I had pushed for the name I loved instead of going with the flow. Maybe telling the world about it will cure me.

B A T H another four letter word

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 09:53:00 -0700

There are words that you just can't say around children. The reasons for the censorship differ.

Of course there are the standard 'bad' words that no one wants their children to hear - the main reason for that is that we don't want our kids repeating those nasty words. Swearing in general doesn't sound nice but it's a kazillion times worse coming from a 3 year old.

Then some families also have a hot list of words that aren't 'bad' in the same sense. They are every day words that there is really nothing wrong with but that people prefer their kids don't use.

Our hot list has a lot of insult words on it. Things like stupid, idiot, moron. I explained to the kids that those words really have no use other than to say something mean to or about someone and therefore they have no place in our home.

This has caused a little confusion now and again. Like the day that my sister used the "S word" (Stupid) and Pie gasped in horror and hissed that Auntie had said a bad word! Auntie was not particularly amused since this initiated an interesting conversation between her and her children!

But that's life, not everyone does things the same way and sometimes we have to explain things to the kids that you wouldn't imagine explaining... but for me, having this hot list works.

When intense kids get angry, they get intensely angry... everything seems terribly out of proportion. Things that other kids wouldn't even notice can trigger an outrageous outburst in an intense child. To make matters that much more difficult, my intense kids will use any and every tool available to them to express their anger - that includes name calling and verbal assaults. Having this list of unacceptable words helps to curb the sting - they have to think a little harder and be a little more creatively to be nasty!

We also have a few other words that are off limits and spell only words. Rain, thunder and bath are among them.

The girl will go into a frenzied routine at the mere mention of rain or thunder but Bath? Well, maybe not what you imagine.

While some parents are in an neverending search for new kids bath products to entice their kids into the bathtub - I have to avoid the word unless I plan on producing a bath or the Girl will go crazy trying to have one NOW. She's very VERY persistant and it can be crazy making to listen to her go on and on and on and ON trying to get what she wants.

Of course, some of you may have bath as a spell only word for the traditional reasons so if you are in the market for some new and interesting bath products, check out these bath and beauty product reviews

One day, my creative little angle (The Girl) came and showed me her dirty feet in an effort to invoke bath time. I suggested she could have one before bed and that her feet were ok, not that dirty. She trotted off and I went back to what I was doing only to find her standing in front of me a minute later with large clumps of garden spread evenly on her toes. It was all I could do not to praise her creativity and sharp mind in coming up with the plan - she is only 3 - but instead I suggested she stay out of the garden and gave her a cloth to clean her feet.

Sibling Mayhem

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 15:34:23 -0700

I suppose some of it can be chalked up to Dervish being the middle child. Perhaps that wasn't such a great idea? (not that it could matter less now).

I had myself quite convinced that having a younger sibbling or becoming a big brother would be a GOOD thing for Dervish, that he would find himself in the responsiblity, that it would take the harshness off the intensity but not so much.

I know siblings fight. I've read Siblings without Rivalry and while it was an immensely helpful book I'm still left with what amounts to hangnails of parenthood when my kids fight. Why though is Dervish always right in the middle of it???

He pokes The Girl constantly and no amount of conversation, reasoning, bribary, begging, pleading or ignoring has made a dent in that relationship clash. And now, of course, she pokes back. (she's learned from the master!)

The Pie Guy is so frustrated he goes out of his way to avoid little Dervish.

The other day they were in my room playing some sort of card game and Dervish was wailing that Pie wasn't being fair. Silly me, I asked "why?" (shoulda kept on walking). As it turns out, Pie plays to win (novel concept isn't it? and HOW DARE HE???)

So, as I've done many times before, I suggested that this would be the point.

BUT HE ALLLLWWAAAYS wins!!!! was the reply.

Do you have fun playing? I ask.... NOOOOOOOO! echos in my eardrums. sigh. Well, don't play then, the idea of playing is to have fun. The more you play, the better you'll get and you might just win but in the mean time, just have fun playing I suggest.

I walk away to more wails and more complaints.

The Revenge...

Dervish has been perfecting revenge since he was 10 months old. He's good at it. Most of the time.

To get back at Pie for winning and "not being fair" I suppose, Dervish flies out to the deck to tell me that he tried to help out the Pie by opening the door for him and ...... Pie PUSHED HIM! (how dare he)

Well, sounded unlikely but who knows, perhaps Pie "the cool" finally had been pushed over the limit so I called a meeting.

The story must have shrunk in the wash though because, as what was supported by witnesses, what really happened was that one of Pie's friends came to the door, Dervish, in an attempt to prevent his brother from abondoning him threw himself up against the door to block the visitor. Pie picked him up and moved him from the door so he could open it.

That apparently translates to "I tried to help him by opening the door for him and ...... he PUSHED ME!"

sigh.

Time to re-read siblings without rivalry!

In the mean time I read what I think was probably a great piece of advice -

New rule "I will not listen to any sentance that starts with "well he....." (or she)" and I will adopt and use the sentance "Work it out".

Intense Children-great books

The Girl is Neurotic

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Mon, 15 May 2006 15:04:00 -0700

Dervish is intense, I got it, I live with it, I accept it (for the most part) however, I've never thought to describe him as neurotic. The Girl is neurotic.

It started with the blasted washing machine. It's a great machine for the most part but it's easily off balance (kind of like it's owner?) and when it goes off balance it thumps and bumps and jumps making a terrible racket until someone lifts the lid and redistributes the contents.

Well, on top of all that washer racket we all learned to endure The Girl going ballistic.

Before she could walk, the girl would just shriek this horrible otherworldly sound until someone successfully ended the insanity of the rocking washing machine.

I tried everything I could think of and a few things I didn't think of to show her that it was a harmless sound but to no avail. We sat on the machine, I laughed at the crazy machine, I put things on top of the machine so we could watch them bounce, I held her and sang to her while the machine rocked... nada. nothing. she was convinced that it was EVIL and had to be terminated and to this day (she's a few months shy of 4) the rocking bouncing vibrating machine sends her into a frenzy.

Now that she's mobile, the reaction has taken on a life of it's own. In someone elses shoes it might be amusing to watch but I lost my ability to laugh at this about 400 screaming sessions ago! When the rocking starts she gets a shocked stricken deer in the headlight look on her face and makes a small cry. We no longer race to solve the problem (that also got real tired real fast) so inevitably the reaction intensifies, first there is the shriek, then there is the tears, then there is the flapping arms, then there is the racing around in circles and finally the frantic dance at the laundry room door accompanied by the 'song' (the song is the highest pitched note known to man).

It's exhausting.

Don't get me wrong. Lots of times the machine doesn't dance. Many times someone gets to it before the flapping arms get a chance to take The Girl into flight and it's rare any more that we get to hear 'the song' but it seems silly to go out and get a new washing machine to stop the madness.

Besides, what would we do about thunder?

Does anyone know how to stop rain from coming?

These are her new obsessions.

Thunder (oh, and planes flying over head) evoke the same response as the washing machine. Rain on the other hand means that EVERYTHING that is outside must come in... NOW (if not sooner). That's not such a bad thing is it? After all, she's a great help when you have a bunch of stuff to bring in before it rains.... if we could just do it without the flapping arms!!

The problem is, The Girl is not such a great weather forcaster, on many a sunny beautiful day the war cries start and the flapping happens for no apparent reason - at least none that any one can figure out. The debate starts...

"gonna rain mom - go IN"

"no, it's beautiful and sunny, it's not going to rain"

"Yes mommy GO IN!"

"even IF it was going to rain, it doesn't hurt, it's just water - just like the pool"

"MOMMY GET INNNNNNN!!!!" (as she goes about stealing my cup of coffee and newspaper to bring in the house)

There is no reasoning with her, there is no consoling her, there is no stopping her. INTENSE + NEUROTIC = THE GIRL.

I don't even want to get started on what happens on cloudy days!

Intense children

Just when I thought the meltdowns were over...

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 18:38:27 -0700

I don't know... I just figured by the age of 7 that a child pretty much would have outgrown meltdowns but apparently I was mistaken. At least in the case of my Dervish - I most definitely was mistaken.

It all started a few weeks ago and it's been going downhill ever since. I seem to recall having posted something about it being 'too quiet'... well, I was right to be suspicious!

I thought at first that it was a spring in the air thing, maybe a cabin fever thing, maybe it was the rep soccer tryouts that was making him even more emotional and tightly wound than even his normal temperament but... man... I'm running out of excuses.

It's been nice enough outside that he can play out regularly... so cabin fever it's not.

Rep soccer tryouts are over and he made the team... so it's not due to stress of maybe not making it.

Spring? Well, yes, it's still spring but I think the fever should have broken by now.

So what gives? I'm truly at a loss and I have no qualms about mentioning that my fears that maybe that Child Psycologist actually might have been on to something - not the whole 'something' but perhaps there is something amiss.

'Freaking out' occurs regularly these days - we can count on at least one major blowout a day - sometimes more. During the week, it starts when he comes home from school. Almost instantly he picks a fight with either 'The Girl' when he walks in the door - or - he may already fighting with Pie walking down the street.

Food was an obvious thing to look at. Hunger can definately trigger low tolerance so I've been trying to get food into him as soon as he walks in but that hasn't seemed to help much.

So, we've talked, we've bargained, we've threatened and we've yelled. I'm not very proud of the last two actions but the frustration is mounting and growing and piling up. And it's not just me.

Pie is growing weary of this and I can't say as I blame him. He's constantly being berated by his intense little brother.

The Dad and me are just tired.... and worried. It's sad to say but we find ourselves holding our breath when it's time for him to come home. There has to be something we can do - we just haven't found it yet.

In the mean time - writing here sometimes helps to organize my thoughts so maybe I'll have a lightbulb moment. I sure hope so... light would be good.

It's quiet.... too quiet....

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 10:48:22 -0700

The calm before the storm? With an intense child you don't expect days to go by without an issue but it's been quiet. It makes me wonder what we're in for... and then, as a parent and eternal optomist I think "maybe this is it?" maybe the consistant termoil is over, that maturity has happened and the daily issues are a thing of the past.

Nahh.

Tempearment doesn't change and intensity is a part of my Dervish's tempearment. It's not going to change. Perhaps the ways it manifests itself will change, perhaps we will get to a point where there isn't a daily trauma or 2 or 3 and he will learn to start accepting some things as "the way they are" and not get worked up about every little thing. But he will never be "not intense".

So, while my emotionally intense child takes a break from the intensity, I'll focus on some other aspects of parenting to talk about, maybe I'll even get to the Pie and the Girl.

http://www.myrollercoasterkid.com/temperament.php

The PJ's and books meltdown

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Tue, 31 Jan 2006 21:35:22 -0700

Yesterday the Dervish asked me if we could go to "PJ's and Books" tonight. I said maybe, it would depend on how I felt.

"but can we go?" is his response. "maybe" I repeat. "but I want to go" "I know and I said maybe. We're done talking about this now."

On the way to his 1/2 hour tutoring session he starts to tell me that his friend asked him to come over tomorrow and that I should call his mom. I asked him if his mom had asked him.... long silence... yes, she asked me and said you should call her. I said nothing for a moment and then he pitched in... well, I was just joking, I asked if I could go over and she said you should call her - how about we stop by her house and you can ask right now. I reminded him that it was rude to invite yourself to someones house and I wasn't sure that he should be going over on a school night.

As we were leaving the car to go into the tutors I asked him where his glasses were. He said he didn't know and that Dad was supposed to get them for him. I said dad is at work so you need to look for them when you get home. He responded "but I don't know where they are" (in a wailing kind of voice) I said yes, that's why you need to look for them... he repeated "but I don't know where they are". This went on too many times with each wail getting more persistant and more loud. I finally said to him, that's why we look for things because we don't know where they are.

Sometimes I forget and get pulled into these ridiculous arguments as if for some reason me repeating the same thing over and over again will suddenly sink in and he'll stop... I suppose he thinks the same thing, that I'm just not "getting" the big picture here.

Anyway, as it turns out, this morning the friends mom calls and says she did invite Dervish over and my husband tells her that's fine and calls the school to let them know he's going home with someone else.

So, he has a wonderful time at his friends, hamburgers and chips for dinner and lots of junk food. He flies in the door and says "Jammies and books". I said "did you have a good time?" he says let's go to the books thing. I said no, I don't think we'll go, I'm tired and I really don't think I feel like bundling up The Girl and heading over to the school.

He THROWS himself on the floor and wails "but you said!" I calmly remind him that I said maybe and that I'm sorry that he's dissapointed but we aren't going tonight. The wailing continues as he follows me around the house repeating over and over again "but I want to gooooooooo"

I tell him he can go up to his room and clean it which is of course met with more wails and more protests as my head starts to pound. Then, the downward spiral comes....

YOU LIED TO ME! I'M NEVER GOING TO GET TO GO TO PJ'S AND BOOKS FOR 60040THOUSAND YEARS! THERE'S NEVER GOING TO BE ANOTHER ONE! THIS HOUSE IS BORING! THERE'S NOTHING TO DO HERE! YOU LIED TO ME! MY FRIENDS WON'T LIKE ME ANYMORE! MY FRIENDS WILL HATE ME NOW! (all in the whine/wail) By this time I'm ignoring him which sometimes works but often doesn't. This time was a semi success (perhaps it's in the timing).

After a while he started to talk to me but the whine was still there so I asked him to take a breath and try again without the whine. After a couple of tries he had it and the storm passed.

At bedtime I thought since it had been a couple of hours I might be able to talk rationally to him about it. I said I was sorry that we didn't go to pj's and books but there would be other things, other times and that he'd had an afternoon at his friends house... but... the whine started again. I told him that there was no point in getting into a frenzy about it now, that it was over and it was time to start looking forward to other things and then I changed the subject.

sigh.

Parenting the intense child