Parenting An Intense Child - Discipline

A good parenting discipline discussion

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 21:08:10 -0700

I subscribe to a google blog alert with the key words "intense children". This helps me know what else in the world web about intense kids because I too like to read up on the subject.

A week or so ago my alert came in and a particular section struck my interest. Unfortunately I've lost track of where it is but it was a newspaper letter to the editor or personal commentary from a citizen.

This particular citizen was lamenting over the fact that others had ruined her weekend by all the nasty looks and stares she got while disciplining her child.

She admitted to being a spanking parent but it was unclear as to if she used this particular discipline on the day question but what she did do was haul her 4 year old out to the car and buckled him in (to protect him) while he had a full blown meltdown.

Honestly, I've done that. When Dervish was younger his meltdowns were full bore - flailing and kicking and of course, the ear piercing screaming. I would put him in the van and then lean against - where he could see me - waiting for a split second cease fire so that I could ask him if he was ready to calm down. (a way of letting him know what I expected and that I was still paying attention). Often times these episodes would go on for 15 minutes before he got it out of his system and was ready to return to the activity.

There was no swatting, spanking or hitting involved - but I get the impression the woman who was writing to that newspaper had used some physical discipline based on the fact that she kept going on about it and how there was nothing wrong with it and it was the thing that worked for her children and then.... then... the gem of the rant was pointing fingers back at all those of us to choose to raise our children without using physical discipline are the ones with our kids running around like brats, rude and ill behaved and "we" had the gal to condemn her for taking charge of her child.

So, what was the child in question doing to cause this onslaught of discipline? He was throwing chairs.

So, what I want to know, is if spanking your child works so well, why was the child throwing chairs in the first place? How's it working for you so far?

If only the argument would make some sense. I can even deal with the "that's how I was raised and that's how I'll raise my children". I can accept a bad parenting moment (you know we all have them!!) but for someone to basically 'yell' at the public at large for ruining HER weekend by the bad looks and stares she was getting in the act of 'discipline'.... it sounded like she ruined her weekend herself.

Anyway, whoever you are, thanks for helping me make my case against spanking children - I can debate until the cows come home on the topic but there was really no need on this occasion.

Positive Parenting Tips and Advice

Parenting Squabbling Siblings - Tips

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 11:39:39 -0700

I'm pretty sure the summer vacation was only about an hour old when the squabbling siblings started.

It's not that my 3 kids don't fight any other time but it seems so much more intense during holidays because they are together more often and for greater blocks of time - there's no school to interrupt - no distance to make the heart grow fonder!

The only two that don't normally engage in constant battle are the oldest (Pie) and youngest (The Girl). Fights between those two are few and far between which makes me wonder if perhaps 8 years is a good gap between kids!

The Girl and Dervish are the worst. Probably their similar intense temperament and intense personalities makes their squabbles so much more passionate and LOUD.

It was a peaceful morning. It's been raining. We had breakfast of waffles and then because the Dervish has been interested in jokes, I found a kids joke site and rhymed off countless one liners for his amusement. Everything was going so well. We discussed the potential activities for the day which included movie watching and the PS2 soccer game we'd rented (since it was raining). Then the rain stopped and I suggested they go out bike riding while they could.

The next thing I know there is a horrible ear piercing shriek (unmistakably The Girl's angry frustrated shriek) I let that one slide. A few minutes later, another and then another. Sigh. I go out to see what the issue is and find them both standing in the shed.

The Girl is very obviously struggling to undo the clip on her bike helmet - easily resolved, I release the clip. Then the chorus of "he did" "she did" starts. In short order I get that she wants her bike in the shed to keep it dry - he knows bikes don't go in the shed and is preventing her from putting it there. Ok, no, bikes don't go in the shed - yes, your bike might get wet but yes, it will dry. Problem solved.

The question is, should I be in there resolving each and every problem? No.

Discipline is teaching and as parents, it's our job to teach our children the skills they require to get through life, like problem solving.

In the adult world, the same intense passion as my 4 and 8 year old display in fighting over where a bike belongs ends in conflict and war - we need to teach our children to resolve problems rationally using cooperation and empathy so here are some tips for teaching that skill.

Don't focus on who started it or who's fault it is. These things are irrelevant and assigning any kind of blame is pointless to resolving the root issue.
Find the root issue. The root issue is not that one hit another or that one is screaming or that one took a toy that belonged to the other. The root issue would be why one hit or why one is screaming or why a toy was taken. This is also a good time for a "feelings check". Is someone feeling left out, jealous, inferior?
Use negotiation to find a win-win solution. Help your children work it out using negotiation techniques. State the problem clearly and ask them to offer suggestions of how the problem might be resolved that they will both (or all) be happy with the outcome. Perhaps they can play with the toy together, maybe there is another similar toy that they can both play with one and trade at intervals, maybe there is another game they can play. The goal is to get them to cooperate to find a solution.

These things will take practice but the eventual outcome is that they will learn to do their own negotiating and problem solving. Once they realize that they aren't going to get you on one side or the other, they will start to try doing this themselves.

More Parenting Tips

Positive Discipline for Danger Situations

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:47:00 -0700

As I mentioned in my last post, I am against the use of corporal punishment. I do believe in, and have used, better and more effective methods of discipline.

Each and every time I've had this discussion with a pro spanking parent the conversation goes to "what about danger situations" I mentioned the running on the road situation but this applies to any circumstance in which your child puts himself in harms way.

There is nothing more terrifying than to see your child do something that puts his very life at risk so rather than attempt to teach him danger by hitting him, why not try a little real life fear and drama (you may need the drama if the situation is only potentially dangerous, like running out on a empty road)

When my Pie (the oldest - least intense child) was about 2 years old we were renovating our kitchen. He was busy with a screwdriver pushing it into the holes where the knobs on the cabinet doors had been.

I was working on a new counter top. I turned just in time to see him heading to the now exposed electrical outlet (the one that had been behind the fridge). Inches from the outlet I let out a scream and scooped him up in my arms.... but the 'show' didn't end there. I knew perfectly well that he was not hurt, he didn't get near enough with the screwdriver but I ACTED as if he could be hurt checking his fingers, hugging him ever couple of seconds, lots of telling him how scared I was, how he could have been hurt and back to checking his hands and fingers again. I spent quite a bit of time, maybe 5 or 10 minutes rotating through the motions of being a terrified mom - scared to death that my baby was hurt.

That's all it took. There is nothing more powerful than a parent's strong emotions to a young child. The Pie steered VERY clear of electrical outlets from that day forward and when he was about 4 years old he let me know that he wanted to plug something in but he was obviously nervous and wanted me to show him how. By that time he was old enough to understand the danger and the explination as to why it was dangerous an that electricity was something to be respected.

I used the same method with the other 2 kids when the need arose and never had an issue with either of them repeating dangerous behavior once they had been treated to the "mom is terrified" episode.

Back to Discipline

Positive Discipline philosophy

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 13:53:28 -0700

My parents did the best they could with what they had, what they knew and the resources available to them.

I like to think that if I were being raised now, some things would be different.

For example, I hope that the "wait 'till your father gets home" philosophy of scaring the pants off kids has been abandoned. In our home, I am the primary disciplinarian being the one that normally finds the error of their ways and 'gets' to correct their behavior.

Further to waiting for dad was the infernal waiting in our rooms until dad got around to dealing with us. I'm sure it was maybe 30 minutes or so but it felt like an eternity. I get now that the wait was likely the time it took for our dad to cool off in order to dole out the punishment calmly - for that I'm thankful.... and, all in all, the waiting was probably a good thing to some extent - it was certainly more productive than what happened when the wait was over.

Which brings me to corporal punishment.

When the wait was over and we heard the footsteps coming down the hall and our stomachs knotted one more time and the 747 jets bounced up against those knotted muscles we knew what was coming. There wasn't much talking - the spanking happened.

Thankfully I think most people have given up the practice - or at least I hope so.

Parents have come to realize that hitting your child, and don't kid yourself, calling it spanking, swatting, tanning, whacking or whatever other pet names people have for it - spanking is hitting - you know, a rose by any other name is still a rose. Call it what it is. It's hitting.

So - a kid in the playground hits another child - the spanking parent's response - hit the child and say very firmly " you will not hit " ya. That makes sense.

The other common justification for hitting a child is the danger situations. "He runs out on the road". Ya. I'm sure he does but here's a scene I witnessed first hand.

A parent with a young child, maybe 3, tells his child that if he runs on the parking lot he's going to get a spanking. A little while later the kid takes off out on to the parking lot, the parent yells, the kid turns his head to see the parent and continues to run while holding his hands over his behind.

I was lucky enough to get some great solutions to these common problems so that I was never tempted to use hitting as a way to discipline my children for these common issues. However, I'm not going to attempt to look perfect. I have hit my children (notice I said hit and not spanked) and to this day I feel bad about the handful of times I lowered myself to that level.

There are other, better ways to discipline and in this section I'm going to discuss positive discipline from redirection to positive reinforcement to natural and logical consequences.

I've found with my intense kids, a softer touch is often in order as they take things much more to heart than some other children.

Please feel free to leave a comment or question.

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