Parenting An Intense Child - The Journey

Elephants never forget and neither does my intense kid

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 17:25:15 -0700

Early on we discovered the remarkable memory of the Dervish.

Just after moving into our new home there were boxes belonging everywhere ... well, everywhere. One such box was in the room that was assigned to Pie and Dervish however it didn't contain things that belonged to them but Dervish was rifling through the box and came across one of Dads die cast cars from his collection.

I explained it wasn't a toy and it was Dads and then I put it in another box in the middle of some towels and things, put the box back together and restacked the boxes and pretty much put it out of my head.

The next morning I went in to the boy's room and found the Dervish playing with the die cast car I'd gone to so much trouble to hide. The boxes were moved around but only the box that held the car was opened and other than an obvious path through the towels, there was no disturbance to the box. Perhaps Dervish has a future as a shell game professional? If nothing else, perhaps a talent for future talent shows?

This remarkable memory has it's advantages I'm sure. Perhaps it will help him in school? It doesn't however help him to remember what he did with his glasses nor does it help his parents with any kind of slack.

Early in the week I mentioned, almost in passing, that I would be buying new shoes on the weekend for both boys.

An hour ago, Dervish burst in the door from school and announced "It's a PA day tomorrow!" ... "uh huh" I respond... "well, that means it's the weekend tomorrow". "I guess" I respond (thinking not for me, I have to work) "Well.." he asks "Are you getting my new shoes tomorrow?"

Not earth shattering but that's the kind of thing that goes on all the time with an intense child. You say sometime around the middle of January that in the summer we'll go to the beach. The first warm day comes along and he asks if it's summer.... pick your answer carefully, he's going somewhere with this you think. "Well, it's a summer like day but it's not really summer yet". He goes away... but after the next strech of nice warm days and you admit to him that yes, it's pretty much summer and the first thing out of his mouth is "you said when it was summer we'd go to the beach - let's go now".

It's always been my practice not to lie to my children, not to promise anything that you aren't sure you can follow through on, that kind of thing but as we all know, the best intentions sometimes foul up and when they do.... man!..... the intense child will make you pay!

Look on the bright side. A good memory is a positive thing. Keep telling yourself that over and over!

Parenting the Intense Child

A family is born

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 21:59:18 -0700

My organizational skills are somewhat lacking. I started this site in a hurry - hit with an idea during one of the Dervish moments and blasted off but anyone who is interested in this story might quickly loose interest because I've been all over the place with my entries so here is my family from the beginning... at least where the kids came in.

In 1994 after 7 years of waiting we got the news that we'd been chosen to adopt a child. "Pie" was born in October and all of our dreams had come true.

Pie was a very active child and at the age of 2 I was convinced he was "spirited". He wore me out. He crawled at 4 months, walked at 9 months and talked at a year.

In 1999 we were blessed with "Dervish". He was 8 months old when we met and brought him home. We knew his history, his birth mother had been a drug addict and he was born about 4 weeks early and tested positive for cocaine in his system but was not addicted. He was taken from his birth mother at birth and had been in foster care since then. He was developing normally and meeting his milestones on schedule.

Life was not easy at first. He screamed every night and seemed to need to do that. We tried everything, we tried rocking him to sleep, reading him to sleep, singing, co-sleeping and it didn't matter, he insisted on screaming himself to sleep for several months after we brought him home.

I couldn't blame him for being out of sorts. After all, he'd suddenly been uprooted from everything he'd ever known and brought to a new home with new people, new surroundings, new smells and new sights but as time went on I realized that this was more than that... well, maybe some of it was that but not all - Dervish was an intense child.

Before we get to the next part, I just have to say that the Dervish also seems to have a sixth sense about some things and it can be a little spooky sometimes.

In the summer of 2001, the Dervish suddenly became obsessed with babies. Every time I turned around he was talking about a baby.. he wanted one. I've never been one to be into gender appropriate toys or anything but we didn't have any dolls around so for Christmas, Dervish got a baby. The baby was a girl he said and her name was "flower chips". He carted flower chips around and slept with her every night.

In January we got a call from our social worker. Dervish had a sister and did we want to adopt her?

Enter "The Girl". The Girl was born in September 2001 and was 5.5 months old when we brought her home. She was also born with cocaine in her system and had been born 7 weeks premature but was meeting her milestones at an adjusted age and doing well. And it was obvious from the get go that she had exactly the same temperment as her brother.

So that's it, that is my family. Pie, The Dervish and The Girl.

My Roller Coaster Kid - Parenting an Intense Child

Intensity

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 14:28:00 -0700

Intense. That is the word I've been searching for in an effort to describe my Dervish.

The intensity goes beyond his emotions but I believe that is the key to understanding his feelings.

Dervish plays sports. All kinds of sports and everything he tries, he's good at - without exception.

The main sport has been soccer. During the past summer season he scored 57 goals. While I love to brag about his abilities the point is that at an average of 6 goals per game it demonstrates his intensity.

There was a game in which an opponent was making his game difficult. When he was off the field he commented about the other player by the number on his shirt. Something to the effect of he'd have to watch that kid. That's exactly what he did while he was off the field, watched how the other child played, how fast he ran, his moves.

At half time while the other kids enjoyed treats he sat in the centre of the soccer field on his ball staring at the net until the whistle blew.

The second half of the soccer game was astonishing. He went at the game with even more intensity and managed to outmanouver his opponent smoothly.

After the game his dad asked him what he had been doing out in the centre of the field at half time. He replied that he was planning how to win the game.

I can only presume that this is unusual behavior for a six year old. I have never before or since seen a child this age prepare mentally for a game in this manner but this is just a small glimpse into how my Dervish approaches life.

My Roller Coaster Kid - Parenting the Emotionally Intense Child

Catching up...

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sat, 28 Jan 2006 12:18:13 -0700

The Dervish is now almost 7... a lot of years since the marble incident of the marble in the store and honestly, my memory isn't good enough to recollect every incident between the day he came home and now.

The big thing with my beautiful intellegent sweet child is his rapid fire emotions. He has ALWAYS been like that. The seemingly smallest inperfection in his day can send him into a tailspin that could go on for hours and the scariest part is that he dominos into a downward spiral.

Not only is he not getting the cookie but that translates into never getting another cookie as long as he lives and that everyone around him will get cookies all the time but he never will and then he may never even get food again and on top of that.. no one likes him and he'll have to spend the rest of his life in his room.

This became such a concern to us that we took him to the doctor. At the doctor's office my Dervish asked me about his health card. I explained that it let the doctors know that he was who he was and that his visit to the doctor would be paid for. So he asked "so it's my card?" I replied that it was but knowing where this was going I quickly added that I needed to hold on to it until he was older.... then the tantrum started, he went bezerk right there in the office over not being able to carry his health card. After a few minutes of futile trying to calm him a woman came in carrying a sleeping baby. I quickly put that to use and said "shhh... baby is sleeping". He stopped instantly, like water on a fire it was out.

The doctor suggested that we send him to his room for a couple of hours and that would put an end to the tantrums. I decided that the doctor wasn't an expert on child development and made a mental note to try the pediatrician.

I believe that children need to express their emotions, that denying the feelings .. no matter what they are is denying them the ability to be themselves. more on this later.

My Roller Coaster Kid - Parenting the Emotionally Intense Child

In the beginning....

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 22:22:37 -0700

My Dervish was a little more than 2 years old and we were off to shop.

My oldest, My Dervish, My self and My Mother headed out to the store.

The trouble started like a wild fire when my Dervish, prized marble in hand (this was the marble obsession stage) realized that he would not be pushing a cart in the crowded store but would be riding in one. Instantly upon being lifted towards the cart, the screaming began and the prize marble was hurled out into the store.

I watched it hit the hard floor and heard it bounce off into the distance. To the left I thought as I carried the screaming child football style out to the car. I calmly strapped him into his car seat and tried to talk to him to no avail. I told him, through blood curdling screams, that when he calmed down, we could go back into the store. I closed the car door and leaned against it trying to figure out why my child was unable to be consoled or calmed as my older son had been.

All the while the car rocked and the screaming continued. The rocking was the force of him thrashing about in his car seat beneath the 5 point harness.

Every 20 or 30 seconds or so I would turn back to him to see if there was any sign of letting up... or exhaustion. Finally I opened the door and asked him if he was ready to calm down. NOOOOOOOOO! he screamed. I closed the door again.

After a while there was second of silence and I quickly opened the door again seizing the momentary calm to attempt to get going. He said "Marble".

I asked him if he was ready to go back in and he agreed he was and as if it never happened he happily walked into the store chatting about his marble while I tried to brace him for the surely inevitable fact that we would be unlikely to find the marble.

He walked in the store like he owned the place and calmly walked down one isle, turned left into a small hallway and picked his marble up from the corner of the isle.

And so it began....

My Roller Coaster Kid - Parenting the Emotionally Intense Child