Parenting An Intense Child - Trials and Tribulations

Anxious Children

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 22:18:54 -0700

When I have nothing else to think about, and that doesn't happen very often, I sometimes wonder why The Dervish and The Girl are as intense as they are.

There isn't much point to this train of thought and while I do like puzzles and I enjoy a good mystery, I usually prefer that they can be solved.

Dervish and The Girl are not only intense, they are anxious. Are they anxious as a part of being intense or are they both intense and anxious? Another thought to ponder.

Dervish is anxious about his place in life. His gauge of self worth and self importance seems to rely on how well life is going at any particular moment in time.

He doesn't get freaked out about the average things. He loves insects, thunder and lightning don't seem to bother him as they do the girl, he rode a 2 wheel bike when he was 3 1/2 - without training wheels (no fear of failure or falling or trying something new) and there's never much fear of trying anything save for a new food or a ride at the amusement park.

However, when things aren't following "the plan" life gets bent out of shape and his perceptions follow closely behind. That's when the downward spiral of anxiety goes into full swing. He becomes convinced that he isn't worthwhile, that his life is awful, that it will from now and forever be awful and worse than awful. It just goes on and on.

The Girl on the other hand doesn't seem to have any concerns about her self worth or the worth of her life. She is anxious in other ways. She has fears, perhaps even phobias. Loud noises, rain, the washing machine... and none of these things are what can be considered 'rational'.

A rational fear would be one that has developed as a result of a life experience or lack of life experience. The girl has never been injured by rain, nor has she ever known anyone who was afraid of rain or storms for that matter, in fact, The Dad and I love thunder storms.

So why are these two children so anxious by nature?

One theory is that perhaps their birth mother was anxious during her pregnancy. This was discussed at this parenting information site. One of the articles states that research suggests that stress during pregnancy can pass stress hormones to the baby causing anxiety.

I haven't read the study, I don't know for sure but I'm presuming that their birth mother was quite likely under a greater than normal amount of stress during her pregnancy - and, if the research is correct, and stress can translate to an anxious child - then perhaps the mystery has been solved after all.

What to do about it though, still remains a mystery.

Everything happens for a reason

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 01:08:45 -0700

I believe in destiny and I believe in fate. I also believe that we have a say in it... perhaps that is a contradiction?

I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe we are presented with opportunities and our choices create new paths for us.

For instance, The Dad and I chose to pursue fertility treatments while simultaneously pursuing adoption. In our minds, it was the family we wanted, the getting there was not the issue.

I would have loved to experience pregnancy and, to this day, I own a small place inside that hurts when I contemplate the reality that I will never know what it's like to feel a life inside me or know what it's like to give birth. But most times the pangs are fleeting. After all, I wasn't trying to get pregnant so I'd know what it felt like, we wanted a family and we got our family.

I believe the months and years of buying ovulation kits and then pregnancy tests and being disappointed over and over again are things that we needed to endure. I'm not sure why. I know that the infertility experience changed me, it changed The Dad, but I will never know in what way - but I do believe there was a reason for it.

I believe that we were destined to have the children that we have.

The Dervish and The Girl were pure serendipity. We were on different paths when each of them came along and they suddenly happened out of the blue (on separate occasions to boot!)

We were in the process of applying to adopt 2 little girls when we suddenly got a call that a baby boy was available and did we want to be put on the list the birth family would look at. What's meant to happen will happen, but only if you are open to allowing it to happen.

Yes, of course we wanted to be on that list. Two days later we got the news that we had been chosen to adopt him.

Three years later, and having had decided that our 2 boys were enough (honestly, it was Dervish's intensity that had us convinced that we were good with 2 kids) we got a phone call out of the blue that Dervish had a sister and did we want her. How can that not be 'fate' or 'destiny'?

So, while I never did get pregnant, I don't regret the journey, I don't regret trying and, even if we had been successful once, we probably would have adopted after that to complete our family, but that wasn't what destiny had in mind for us.

Destiny, it seems, had another plan. We were meant to have a Pie, A Dervish, and a Girl. Intensity and all.

Some Parenting Tools that Work For Me

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 18:53:53 -0700

Some Parenting tips I find helpful with My Intense Child

Give Choices but limit them. An intense child can be overwhelmed by too many options but also wants to have some control so give choices but limit them to 2 or 3 at most (start with 2) So rather than "what do you want for a snack" leaving you open to an unacceptable choice or frustration by too many options, give choices of 2 or 3 acceptable choices.. "you can have an apple, a banana or cheese and crackers for snack"

Time out isn't just for kids. If you're boiling over, excuse yourself for a few moments of chill out time. Let your child know that even mom's and dad's get frustrated and angry and we know that trying to solve a problem in that state of mind can be futile. Take your time out and model self calming for your child - come back to the situation calm and reasonable (and hopefully your child will be calm and reasonable too by then)

10 Minute warning. Lot's of kids have difficulty adapting to change but intense children often have more difficulty than most. Prepare them in advance when you can reasonably expect difficulty. "We're going to the park for an hour". Then let them know something that will happen after that might help them transition "Then we're heading home for a snack"

Don't just say no. Redirection is a valuable tool to keep the intensity level to a dull roar. Rather than "Stop That" when he's jumping from the couch to the floor, try "Practice your jumping upstairs or outside please". Dervish will tend to lock down if I just tell him to stop doing something, but if I can redirect him to an alternative that's just as much fun (serves the same purpose) it often stops the lock down before it starts.

Allow a child to express
his strong emotions. Emotions are always OK, although
some behaviors are not. Make the difference clear to your child. It's
okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit people.

Look for and praise the behavior you want to see. I might be tempted to say "but I never see that behavior" but that's not true, I do see it when I'm looking for it. It might be something really small (He picks up The Girl's toy off the floor and hands it to her) but that's a big deal, doing something nice without being asked, being considerate, thinking of others etc., Dervish is terminally pessimistic so I watch for a glimmer of hope in him and verbally notice it and praise him for thinking positive.

Check your expectations. Is it reasonable for your child to behave
the way you're expecting him to? Children can only work with the tools
they have, which are limited by age and maturity.

Find more Parenting Tips

Take a deep breath

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 19:52:23 -0700

When my Pie was 2 he used to have meltdowns. I have to laugh loud now when I think of what I used to call a meltdown before the Dervish and The Girl arrived!

Anyway, being a strong supporter and believer in positive parenting and in the belief that children must not have their emotions supressed, naturally I didn't punish tantrums, meltdowns or emotional outbursts - but that didn't mean that I wanted to walk through a store with a screaming child or to leave the store every time my child decided now was the time he'd been emotionally overloaded.

I had a system that worked very well with Pie. When he became overloaded we would find a quiet spot, I would sit with him on my lap (yes, even in an isle in walmart) and I would talk quietly to him and ask him to take some deep breaths to help him calm down. He always obliged and in no time we were finishing up the shopping and heading home (I'm not crazy, calming one meltdown is cool, but there's a message in there.. .can't take too much more mom!)

When Dervish came along I naturally tried my "tried and true method" of calming down.

This is a perfect example to support the "no such thing as cookie cutter discipline" theory.

I should have had a clue, Dervish's meltdowns were jaw dropping, double take manufacturing, different than anything Pie had ever demonstrated.

"Take a deep breath" I said calmly. The pitch of the scream was ear piercing.... Come on Dervish, and I demonstrated, he punctuated the scream with some kicking. Not easily swayed, I persisted, this HAD to work, it had always worked with Pie. I demonstrated some more and told him how easy it was and that he would feel better... no dice, he wasn't doing it, no way no how.

Over the months and years to follow I tried various methods to teach my intense child to calm himself and still haven't come upon a perfect soloution. There's no magic bullet for him, nothing that works every time - sometimes he just has to work it out of his system... ok, well all the time he has to do that but sometimes there are things that will speed up the process...

Empathy, being left alone, staying with him, empathy, humor, logic (very very rare). So, the roller coaster continues.

I've added some article feeds to the Intense Child website - I believe we are always learning and at no point can we ever say "I've tried everything" so take a look at the articles and see if there might be something you can use. Parenting Articles

The Child Psychologist

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Sun, 29 Jan 2006 14:48:10 -0700

When Dervish was 4 and after the unsuccessful visit to the family doctor, we visited the pediatrician to see if there was a medical reason for Dervish's many meltdowns and the inability to calm himself.

After a thorough examination the doctor could find nothing to suggest a physical reason and suggested we visit a child psychologist.

The first visit to the psychologist was just us parents. We filled out a very long questionaire regarding the behavior issues that brought us there and family history.

Dervish, as his brother and sister are adopted but we have a good medical history. Dervish's birth mother has a lot of problems, not the least of which is drug abuse. I guess it was natural for the psychologist to zone in on this in his diagnosis.

After a lengthy discussion with us the next visit involved the actual child. They met in his office and were left alone for about 1/2 an hour.

Apparently 1/2 an hour is all a psychologist needs to deliver a complete diagnosis.

We sat stunned as this doctor told us that our son had FAS (fetal alcohol syndrom). That he would develop ADD or ADHD, potentially ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), that he might be mildly retarded, that he would never live independantly, that he would require special education, that he might possibly require a special school.... oh, there was more, I just can't remember all the things that were wrong with him.

We left the office absoloutly stunned and terrified and devistated. We could not believe that our bright, articulate, creative, affectionate intense child was being sentanced to a non life.

After digesting this information I wrote a letter to Dervish's birth grandmother. I told her what this doctor had said and asked her to find out if his birth mother drank during the pregnancy. The history had said she didn't but we needed to be sure. I assured her that I needed the truth straight up, that I didn't care if her daughter had lied about it before, I needed the truth now.

It wasn't long before I had my answer. NO. Not only did the grandmother talk to Dervish's birth mother and explain the situation, she also went to her obgyn and asked him. Birth mom doesn't drink. Never has, never will. Yes, that's an anomolie among drug users but it's not unheard of. A sigh of relief.

I talked to the social worker who had handled the adoption and she confirmed that with her first hand knowledge of FAS, Dervish was not a FAS kid.

I'm glad I checked it out. Dervish is now doing well in grade one in a French immersion program. He is well liked by his teachers and has a pile of friends and is never short of invitations to friends houses or birthday parties - strong evidence against the psychologists doom and gloom prediction.

My Roller Coaster Kid - Parenting the Emotionally Intense Child