Parenting An Intense Child

Stressed Out Mom and 8 Year Old Battle Homework

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:26:47 -0700

Parenting Question

Mom and 8 Year Old Son Stress over homework.

received September 14, 2007

Q.Hello, I have an 8 year old boy and since school begin he been stress as well my self.

I have try to be as patience I been trying to give him extra work over the weekend for him to get use to the work habits but it seems like there is no use for my techniques, it also seems that he can't do his homework if I'm not sitting next to him to back him up.

I have try to be very patience but its very hard he takes very long on his homeworks and sometimes it will go over 2 hours before he can finish his work, I have try the timing it work for a little but after that it was worst them before because he try to do his work fast and them he will do most of his incorrectly.

I am trying to be a role model for my son but I feel like that is going down the drain, he can't concentrate at all and also he cry for nothing I have been a little hard on him but I believe I'm doing the best I can. I have take everything away from him ( TV, games ) but everything still the same. Please help.

A. Hi, Thanks for your parenting question.

It seems to be the season of homework stress! I've certainly had my share of it with The Dervish in the past month as well.

I don't remember having this much trouble with my older son. It's not like he just 'loved' homework or anything, we did have challenges but not like I've had with my intense 8 year old.

We've had the fights, and the tears over homework as well. I'm just going to talk about some of my observations and things I've tried to see if there's something that might inspire some ideas. Thinking outside the parenting box is often very helpful.

I've noticed that Dervish does not get as upset about homework in a subject he likes and does well at as he does with a subject that he's having trouble with. For instance, he does not argue about doing his spelling homework in either English or French, he doesn't even need to be asked to read his daily reading but addition and subtraction with carrying and borrowing will send him into a frenzy before he even gets started. Just the THOUGHT of math conjures the storm clouds.

Is your son upset with all forms of homework or are there specific subjects that bring out the worst? Either way, it might be worth looking into any issues that might be making learning difficult. I find that Dervish looks at things a little differently than what you might consider 'normal'. In math for instance, he needs concrete materials to touch and see to effectively learn, a real clock to move the hands on rather than a drawing, coins instead of drawn images of coins for counting. Once both his teacher and I were aware of this it's made us look differently at math with The Dervish.

Further to this, he does not require or even ask me to sit with him while he practices his spelling but he does want me to be with him for math.

Last night I printed some practice sheets from the internet and asked him to work on them. He went crazy... started to cry, said he couldn't do it, said he'd get them all wrong and that he needed help. I decided to have a discussion with him.

First of all, I explained to him that I know that he's a smart kid but that he has trouble with math. I explained that we only expect him to do his best and that no one can be great at everything. I pointed out the things he is great at and then went back to the math. Then I explained that people that have trouble with specific things, learn tricks to help them remember and learn.... and that together we would find the tricks for him to remember the math rules.

I asked him to do 5 questions on each of the 2 math sheets and then bring them to me and then I'd be able to find out where he's having trouble and know how to help. He still looked upset so I said 3 questions each. He was fine with that and after the first 3 he went back and did 4 more on each sheet. Today he did 5 on each sheet.

You might have some success with having your son try the homework in small doses too with you checking in between. Suggest he do the first question or 2 and then you'll check. Go over it with him and be sure to praise his efforts (even if he doesn't get everything right) Try to identify any mistakes and see if you can offer suggestions to avoid those mistakes the next time.

We were also having a real issue with getting down to work. First I tried just stopping his play so he'd have time to do his homework before bed. That didn't work. I tried assigning a homework time of after dinner. That didn't work, he was too tired. Then I tried right after school. He was angry about missing out on playing with his friends. Finally a few days ago I'd catch him when he got home and ask him to make a homework and chores plan. He decided he'd do it at 5pm giving him an hour after he got home before he started. At 5 pm he was cooperative and willing to start. Today I asked him and he said he wanted to do it right away. He did and he was done by 5pm with a whole evening ahead with nothing but free time. Giving my intense child control over when he does his homework really works for me.

After we were done the math tonight and he was doing much better. I pointed out how the practice is helping and related it to his soccer. He's a great soccer player but at the beginning of last season he was only able to do 2 keep-ups before loosing control of the ball. Now, after practicing all summer with his brother he can do up to 10 before loosing control. This is concrete proof to him that practicing something you aren't good at helps you get better at that skill.

Some other general suggestions...

Focus on rewarding desired behavior as opposed to punishing undesirable behavior. Rather than taking things away for not doing well with his homework, perhaps a positive reinforcement system would be more effective - stars, poker chips, stickers - it doesn't matter, you can even offer a small prize or treat when so many 'stars' have been awarded... that helps with the concept of working towards a goal as well. (attention, hugs, affection, smiles and 'high fives' are often times more rewarding than tangible rewards)

I'd probably get rid of the homework practice sessions (weekend work to practice getting into the work routine). Homework should be practice for new skills, studying for tests and leftover work that didn't get done in school - in my humble opinion - I try to use the weekends as rewards for getting it all done during the week.

If he the issue does seem to you an issue of concentration, you might want to discuss it with his teachers and see if they are experiencing the same difficulties. If so, consider having him assessed for ADD/ADHD. Here are the questions we looked at when considering this for my oldest son.

Attention
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Symptoms

By the American
Psychiatric Association

DSM-IV Criteria
for ADHD:

Six or more of the following symptoms of inattention have been present
for at least 6 months to a point that is disruptive and inappropriate
for developmental level:

Inattention

1. Often
does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in
schoolwork, work, or other activities.

2. Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.

3. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.

4. Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork,
chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or
failure to understand instructions).

5. Often has trouble organizing activities.

6. Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot
of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).

7. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school
assignments, pencils, books, or tools).

8. Is often easily distracted.

9. Is often forgetful in daily activities.

Six or more
of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present
for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate
for developmental level:

Hyperactivity

1. Often
fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.

2.Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.

3.Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents
or adults may feel very restless).

4.Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.

5.Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a
motor".

6.Often talks excessively.

Impulsivity

1. Often
blurts out answers before questions have been finished.

2. Often has trouble waiting one's turn.

3. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations
or games).

2. Some symptoms that cause impairment were present before age 7 years.

3. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings
(e.g. at school/work and at home).

4. There must be clear evidence of significant impairment in social, school,
or work functioning.

5. The symptoms do not happen only during the course of a Pervasive Developmental
Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder. The symptoms are
not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g. Mood Disorder,
Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

Based on these criteria, three types of ADHD are identified:

1. ADHD,
Combined Type: if both criteria 1A and 1B are met for the past 6 months

2. ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Type: if criterion 1A is met but criterion
1B is not met for the past six months

3. ADHD, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type: if Criterion 1B is
met but Criterion 1A is not met for the past six months.

American
Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,
Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association,
2000.

I hope I've been of some help. Please feel free to comment on my suggestions.

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Tears and Tantrums

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:47:11 -0700

I've been asked a lot about kids that cry. We're not talking your 'fell down and scraped her knee' cry or 'can't have that beautiful toy' cry but the kind of crying that never seems to end and that most adults think "oh no, here we go again" at the sound of the all too familiar 'wail of despair'.

If you have an emotionally intense child, you know what I'm talking about and you may even know what I'm talking about if that phrase doesn't seem to fit your child.

Some kids just cry a lot. Some kids have additional stresses in their lives that make them more prone to tears than others and other kids seem to just take things as they come and rarely even seem upset let alone cry.

My oldest was and is of the latter variety. It's easy to deal with these kids because when they cry it easily attracts your attention because it's rare and more to the point, for the most part, we can even understand the tears. A friend rejects (or disses or ditches as my son would say), they did poorly on a test, they didn't make the soccer team. It's easy to parent this tearful child with acceptance, empathy and comfort at these times.

It's the kids like The Girl and The Dervish who cry seemingly ALL THE TIME that drain your energy and resources and make you say... or at least want to say... "oh get over it already!"

The fact is that the majority of the time kids are not crying in an attempt to manipulate us or make us crazy. Kids that cry a lot tend to have strong emotions and perhaps a lower tolerance to stress than some of their peers. These kids tend to either cry at every seemingly 'minor' disappointments OR, on the flip side, hold it back until their emotions bubble over and they release with an explosive rage. However, crying - and raging - is the body's way of relieving stress and if you've ever been having a 'day' that made you think "I could really use a good cry" you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Our kids that cry a lot don't 'think' "I need a good cry" - they just do it.

In my opinion, the greatest mistake we can make as parents is to discourage those tears. My parents gave me a look and said "Oh Lisa" in a tone that I can still bring front and center in my mind at any point in time that I think or write about this stuff or even, at 46 years old, when I think I'm doing something my mother might not approve of.

Crying is a display of an emotion. It is no less worthy of being shown and accepted than laughter and smiles yet as parents all we want to do is "make it stop".

Althea Solter, author of The Aware Baby, Tears and Tantrums, Helping Young Children Flourish and several other books is a Swiss/American developmental psychologist, who is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline.

I spent many years discussing and debating Althea Solter's theories, philosophies and methods and while I did eventually attempt some of the more radical of her techniques in dealing with crying children, it never quite felt comfortable to me and I was always worried I was doing the wrong thing so I stopped the techniques like "holding" but kept the believe in the primary philosophy which in my interpretation is that tears and tantrums are emotional stress releases. That by encouraging your children to use their body's natural mechanism to release tension and stress (tears) you are teaching them to trust in their bodies, to honor their own feelings and above all else (in my opinion) not to repress their feelings.

I personally have taken a somewhat different approach in that I aspire to be accepting (doesn't always work out - but I try), to encourage them to express themselves in whatever manner they choose (without using violence or mean spiritedness etc) and try to get the message across that I am here for them, that even though I sometimes don't understand, I do accept that they need to release and that after they do, they feel better, calmer, more at peace.

For anyone looking for what some would consider a truly radical approach to parenting (definitely will NOT appeal to authoritarian diciplinarians), please check out the Aware Parenting Web Site which is full of articles and information of this particular parenting philosophy.

How many sleeps until Christmas

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 13:41:08 -0700

How many sleeps until..... The ongoing Parenting Nightmare!

Last year I did a little rant about department stores bombarding us with Christmas before we'd even stopped wearing summer clothes.

Given, I have not seen a Christmas decoration in a store yet... but I expect to any day now. After all, it is September!

So, for those parents out there that are interested in keeping track, you can get an up to the minute update of "how many sleeps until Christmas" 2007 right here.

Now you can always be right up to date!

If your list of things to keep track of includes the number of sleeps to Halloween, click here because I have it all covered for you!

Grade 3 Stressing Over Homework

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 10:10:51 -0700

Parenting Question

Grade 3 Homework Stress

received September 10, 2007

Q. My son had his first homework assignment of third grade yesterday. Before we even got home he was crying in the car about how hard it was
going to be to copy his spelling words three times. I would equate it
to the anxiety I feel going to the dentist for a root canal. He was
actually crying over homework that he hadn't even started yet.

We got started on the homework and he insisted he needed help. I
explained that the only 'help' he could get was to have someone else write the words out and that was not allowed.

When he came down to his
last word he had to copy three times he spelled it wrong so I corrected
him and told him that "Glance is spelled G-A, not G-E" and he went on
and on about how he KNEW it was with an E not an A. He started crying
and screaming for us to LEAVE HIM ALONE after having begged us to help
him.

I finally put him in time out so he could calm down and I finished cooking dinner while he calmed down. Right before I set the table I had
him come finish his work and he did, with no fight or argument or
anything. His emotional outbursts can be about anything, not just
homework. It seems like he will argue a point till he is blue in the
face rather than admit that he is wrong. I don't know how to get him
over this. It's exactly how my little brother used to be (still is) and
I don't want my son to be anything like my little brother who to this
day (at age 29) is still a great source of heartache and stress for my mother.

I wish there was an EASY button I could push. I feel so bad for
him when he has these emotional outbursts, but I feel like there is
little to nothing I can do. I tell him everyday how smart he is and how
proud of him I am, but it's never enough. On top of all of that
yesterday I already had the biggest headache from work and I felt like
giving up, giving in, just letting him do what he wants. I can't do
this every time he has homework, I just can't.
He has an hour after he gets home before he starts homework and he also
has a snack. I didn't do that on purpose for that reason, it just
happened that way. We make games out of his homework so it's 'fun' to
do, but even that can backfire at the drop of a hat. I don't know what
else I can do to help homework time go smoother..... do you have any suggestions?

A. Hi, thanks for your question. Your son and my Dervish must be about the same age - Dervish has also just started grade 3.

It sounds like you are already doing much of what I would suggest - making sure he's not hungry, that he has a break after school before homework time etc., The fact that he started this behavior in the car on the way home makes it sound like he felt it was an overwhelming task.

As I write this I'm watching my Dervish do his spelling list. He's also complaining about it even though his teacher has assigned rainbow words Rainbow words is writing the word out first in pencil then using a color over top of it and then another color on top of that - essentially writing the words three times but in a more interesting and creative way.

Anyway.... Dervish gets worked up like that too, over everything and tends to get himself in a real knot in no time at all - and just like your son, over anything - not just homework.

The way I see it in your case and mine, the problem is not the homework, it's the anxious feelings they get about every day stuff and since most every day stuff, like writing out spelling words are not worthy of the amount of anxiety they have over it, I tend to believe they bottle up feelings and tensions and then explode over the next little thing.

Much like the straw that breaks the camels back. Perhaps a disappointments on the playground, some lesson he had a hard time understanding, a reprimand from a teacher? All small stresses but in emotionally intense kids they tend to build up and explode out over something that seems silly to the rest of us.

I had a conversation with the Dervish one day this summer when he was having one of these storm cloud moments. He was lashing at everything and nothing was worth doing and no one was worth his time or consideration.

We talked about how he felt, how his body felt at these times and he described it like something grabbing at his insides, making him feel like lashing out and hitting people.

After that conversation I've been able to help him curb those moods by identifying them too him - "Dervish, you seem to be having one of those angry moments". The only thing that seems to help him is some alone time or quiet time. Depending on where we are and the situation I'll suggest anything from going up to his room and drawing, to going out and shooting hoops or kicking a ball around or playing a video game... ALONE (I've even stopped the car near an open field or something and had him run in circles to expel some tension). That works for him it may work for your guy too or maybe he needs something else to bring him out of it. I think the key to our successful conversation was that I recognized that he doesn't enjoy feeling this way and told him that I want to help him figure it out and fix it - that we would work together to figure it out and that I wouldn't give up.

So here are my suggestions:

Make sure he gets enough sleep. A nine year old typically needs 10 hours of sleep a night. Sleep deprivation can mimic many emotional disorders
Encourage him to talk about things that bother him, even little things - if he gets it out, he's less likely to bottle up and explode when the pressure gets too much
Work with him on a plan for his emotional moments - best when he's not in the middle of one - and brainstorm ideas of how he can calm himself - make sure he knows your on his side.
When homework is the issue, or any task that seems to have overwhelmed him (sometimes Dervish gets like this over doing the dishes - his chore - it's "too much", "it will take forever" that kind of thing. Help him to break down large overwhelming tasks into smaller more managable tasks that seem less daunting. For example, with writing out words, if he has a list of 15, break them into 3 groups of 5 with a mini break and high five in between.
Finally, check with the teacher to see if any of these issuse present at school. I did that with Dervish's teacher and she looked at me like I'd grown a second head right in front of her eyes. In her eyes, Dervish is a model student. This tells me he puts a lot of pressure on himself to hold it together and behave appropriately at school so it makes sense that when he gets home - his safe home and safe mom, that's when he lets it go.

If by chance the teacher notices the same issues then there might be a more complex problem you might want to investigate.

There are a couple of things you said that sent me off the beaten path to offer suggestions.

The first thing is that you mentioned he's very much like your brother who is still arguing at 29. Keep in mind, I'm not a doctor or a therapist, my suggestions are based on my life experiences not formal training.

That said, it might be worth investigating ODD, oppositional defiant disorder. This is quoted from the University of Virginia

Most symptoms seen in children and adolescents with oppositional defiant disorder also occur at times in children without this disorder, especially around the ages or 2 or 3, or during the teenage years. Many children, especially when they are tired, hungry, or upset, tend to disobey, argue with parents, or defy authority. However, in children and adolescents with oppositional defiant disorder, these symptoms occur more frequently and interfere with learning, school adjustment, and, sometimes, with the child's (adolescent's) relationships with others.

Symptoms of oppositional defiant disorder may include:

* frequent temper tantrums
* excessive arguments with adults
* refusal to comply with adult requests
* always questioning rules; refusal to follow rules
* behavior intended to annoy or upset others, including adults
* blaming others for his/her misbehaviors or mistakes
* easily annoyed by others
* frequently has an angry attitude
* speaking harshly, or unkind
* deliberately behaving in ways that seek revenge

The symptoms of ODD may resemble other medical conditions or behavior problems. Always consult your child's (adolescent's) physician for a diagnosis.

I'm not suggesting that I, or anyone else could diagnose something like ODD from the little information you've provided here, I'm just trying to cover as many possibilities as i can - you are in the best position to know if there is anything to the idea of ODD or even ADD or ADHD (all of which can be inter mingled or present overlapping symptoms)

I hope I've been of some help. Please feel free to comment on my suggestions.

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7 Year old cries a lot

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 22:46:33 -0700

Parenting Question

7 year old has not outgrown tears

received September 12, 2007

Q. My oldest son will be turning 8 next month and crys over everything. He has been like this since he was a toddler and I thought it would be something he would grow out of but it doesn't

seem like it's ever going to get better. It's creating a lot of stress in our family and I need advice on how to handle it better. Is it possible that he might have some underlying

psychological issue that we need to talk to a counselor about? He lives in a nurturing family environment and his other younger brothers do not act like this. Please help!

A.Hi, thanks for your question.

When I read your question I was reminded of my sister talking about my niece. My niece was generally a happy child but she had a tendency to cry over the smallest things, often things that didn't make sense to anyone around her.

For example, on a long trip the family typically would stop about 1/2 way to the destination, this was a favorite treat for the kids. My niece had fallen asleep in the car and when they reached the fast food stop my sister woke her up to tell her they had arrived. My niece promptly burst into tears - totally baffling her parents.

Tears are the body's natural stress relief and some people are just better at it than others. I used to be good at it when I was a child - I was the one always in tears but my parents soon 'cured' me of that! I could tell you how to do that they way my parents did but I don't really recommend teaching your children to bury their emotions. I'm more in favor of teaching them other ways to express them when possible.

If your son is generally happy and easy going except for the emotional meltdowns I wouldn't be terribly worried about it. It's probably not something you need to have checked out but since I'm not a doctor or a therapist, that is just my gut feeling and it certainly doesn't hurt to go ahead and rule out any underlying conditions. (how's that for a wishy washy answer?)

On the other hand, if he's of a dark and gloomy nature and has temper outbursts as well as the crying I would definitely suggest you have him checked by his doctor.

Based on just the fact that he cries a lot and that you consider yourselves to be a nurturing family, I would focus on minimizing the stress this is causing your family.

How does he feel about the crying? Is it bothersome to him, maybe just in certain situations - like at school or with his friends?
If there are times that he wishes he wouldn't cry then you can work with him on developing coping strategies such as learning to recognize his body's signals when things are getting too much for him - if he sees it coming, perhaps he can use some self calming techniques to prevent the tears... a quiet moment to pull himself together, a self dialog to point himself at the
more positive things or the positive side of what's going on. Perhaps a journal and of course, learning to "use his words". This is a great skill for all ages and stages of development. To learn how to express your feelings verbally is an excellent skill that will be beneficial throughout his life.
Work on accepting that he is an emotional child and finding ways to minimize the stress on the family. That can happen in various ways but it will involve working together as a family, including your son. For example, find out from him what he needs from you, perhaps a hug, perhaps a mention that you feel bad that he's sad... maybe he needs to vent.... whatever - at his age it will probably take some brain storming with you offering most of the ideas but encourage him to present ideas of his own - none are too silly to mention but can be too silly to seriously consider.
Then if say you find that when he's crying he would like a hug you could suggest that he come for his hug and then if he's still feeling like crying that he have a special quiet place to go and calm himself.
It's fine to cry but not at the expense of others in the family getting stressed out.

I'm going to refer you to a website that offers comprehensive theories on crying and the healing powers of tears. The author, Althea Solter is what I would consider to be a revolutionary in the field or children and tears. There are several books she has that you might find helpful. You can visit the Aware Parenting site here.

Please also see my post on Tears & Tantrums

I hope I've been able to offer some helpful suggestions. Please feel free to leave a comment in the blog entry,

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A good parenting discipline discussion

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 21:08:10 -0700

I subscribe to a google blog alert with the key words "intense children". This helps me know what else in the world web about intense kids because I too like to read up on the subject.

A week or so ago my alert came in and a particular section struck my interest. Unfortunately I've lost track of where it is but it was a newspaper letter to the editor or personal commentary from a citizen.

This particular citizen was lamenting over the fact that others had ruined her weekend by all the nasty looks and stares she got while disciplining her child.

She admitted to being a spanking parent but it was unclear as to if she used this particular discipline on the day question but what she did do was haul her 4 year old out to the car and buckled him in (to protect him) while he had a full blown meltdown.

Honestly, I've done that. When Dervish was younger his meltdowns were full bore - flailing and kicking and of course, the ear piercing screaming. I would put him in the van and then lean against - where he could see me - waiting for a split second cease fire so that I could ask him if he was ready to calm down. (a way of letting him know what I expected and that I was still paying attention). Often times these episodes would go on for 15 minutes before he got it out of his system and was ready to return to the activity.

There was no swatting, spanking or hitting involved - but I get the impression the woman who was writing to that newspaper had used some physical discipline based on the fact that she kept going on about it and how there was nothing wrong with it and it was the thing that worked for her children and then.... then... the gem of the rant was pointing fingers back at all those of us to choose to raise our children without using physical discipline are the ones with our kids running around like brats, rude and ill behaved and "we" had the gal to condemn her for taking charge of her child.

So, what was the child in question doing to cause this onslaught of discipline? He was throwing chairs.

So, what I want to know, is if spanking your child works so well, why was the child throwing chairs in the first place? How's it working for you so far?

If only the argument would make some sense. I can even deal with the "that's how I was raised and that's how I'll raise my children". I can accept a bad parenting moment (you know we all have them!!) but for someone to basically 'yell' at the public at large for ruining HER weekend by the bad looks and stares she was getting in the act of 'discipline'.... it sounded like she ruined her weekend herself.

Anyway, whoever you are, thanks for helping me make my case against spanking children - I can debate until the cows come home on the topic but there was really no need on this occasion.

Positive Parenting Tips and Advice

ADHD - Concerta - Puberty - Mood Swings - OH MY

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 11:08:53 -0700

A couple of months ago I wrote about my oldest and the suspected ADHD that had gone unnoticed until now.

As it turns out, we got him into the specialist who subject him to several hours of testing. The person who performed the testing strongly indicated that the inital observations suggested ADHD.

My Pie had been prescribed a low dosage, 18mg per day, of Concerta so the specialist advised he continue taking it and he would re-assess at the follow up visit.

A few weeks later and the three of us, Pie, Me and The Dad, sat across from the ADHD specialist as he confirmed that our Pie was most definitely suffering from ADHD and prattled off the percentiles and showed us graphs and charts that illustrated the facts to us.

He sent us off with a book for the Pie to read and one for us that was full of charts and checklists that we and his teacher is to fill out to gauge his progress and symptoms.

The doctor also doubled the dose of Concerta but indicated that he probably would need several adjustments before we found the ideal dosage.

I'm sure that every parent struggles with medicating their children. Especially given the stigma of ADHD and the over diagnosis and status
of "condition du jour". Parents don't want their kids "drugged" and the
potential side effects make you think twice and three and even four
times about doing it.

The thing to remember is that ADHD IS a
real condition and it's effects cause real issues for the kids and
adults that are afflicted with it.

We've parented The Pie for
over 12 years without medication, without treatment and I feel awful.
How unfair of us to make him go through this without even noticing -
it's like 'not noticing' that a child is diabetic.

So, aside from parenting my intense high maintenance kids, I now have a
nearly 13 year old boy, a teenager, smack in the middle of puberty, a couple of
weeks before school starts at an all new school where he knows very few
people, newly diagnosed and still digesting that he has ADHD, on
medication for this ADHD. So I wasn't terribly bowled over to find that his moods were swinging like they were being controlled by monkeys swinging on vines but I sure wasn't happy and honestly, started to panic just a little.

I was afraid that the medication was making him worse or that he had been misdiagnosed.

The thing is he was downright awful for the last 4 or 5 days, just about as long as he's been on the increased dose of Concerta, also the same amount of time he's known absolutely that he has ADHD, also mere days before he starts back to school - his NEW school and also in the middle of puberty. It's overwhelming to me as the parent, I have to assume it's overwhelming to my near teenager.

I had to take a step backwards and pull The Dad back there with me.

We've decided that as is needed with much of parenting, a little detective work and a little wait and see.

Discipline is still the first action. When the pie is mean and rude and sarcastic and full of attitude - we still need to deal with it but we've decided we need to discipline the behavior and work on keeping it in check without declaring a national emergency - without panicking. We need to watch, we need to see how things go after the first few days and weeks of school as he adapts to the new schedule and surroundings. We need to keep an eye on the medication and gauge the moods, are they getting worse, better, more or less frequent or severe? We need to keep notes, and keep our eyes open to know what's REALLY going on.

We've decided to give it 2 weeks of observation as long as nothing gets worse.

We'll see what happens.

Parenting Question - 9 Year Old Does not Like Correction

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 16:33:00 -0700

Parenting Question

9 year old frustrated over homework.

received August 20, 2007

Q. I have two kids. one is 9 and another is 5. My older one is very emotional and very sensitive to any comments on his work. If he does any mistake, and we tell him, he starts crying, screaming............. Now it becomes hard to teach him.

He is talent but very restless and easily distracted. He does his home work in a hurry to finished it quickly and did silly mistake. If we check his work and found the mistake .Then we have to tell him very politely to correct it. If we point out the mistake and tell him like " there are some mistakes, correct those" he becomes upset. Some times he starts screaming and crying. If we say, "you need to learn it properly" he just says i don't want to.. If we force him he just becomes terrible. Please suggest how to handle this kids?

A. Hi, Thanks for your question. I may have more questions than answers but since I can't really ask questions I'm going to give you some suggestions that may or may not apply to your son.

My first suggestion is to make sure that when he's doing his work that he's had a break from school and possibly something to eat before he starts. We found that Dervish operated best if we gave him 1/2 an hour after he got home to have a snack and relax before starting homework. If we did that we were much more likely to be able to work with him.

Next I'd sit with him at some time when he's 'not' doing work, maybe a Saturday afternoon or something and then bring up the subject with him. Talk to him about your frustration and his during these situations and ask if he has any ideas of how the two of you can resolve the issue. He may not but, you can try a brainstorming session, just shooting out ideas and it may inspire him to come up with some of his own.

Another thing to consider is a learning disability that is causing his frustration. Although intense emotional children do tend to have frustration issues, many very bright children, even those that qualify as "gifted" can also have learning issues like ADD/ADHD, or dyslexia that can cause a low frustration threshold and the tendency to make careless mistakes. (My oldest son has just been diagnosed with ADHD. At almost 13 years old, I'm shocked that I didn't see the symptoms earlier but they were hidden in his personality!).

Here are some other things I would try:

Ask him to come to you when he's ready for you to check his work, or make a time some time after homework time to do the checking (schedule it so he knows it's coming and to expect it)

Make sure you find something to praise before finding the errors - ie. "You've printed this so nicely" or "I really like the picture you've drawn to go with the story". As a general rule, we are more receptive to criticism following a little appreciation.

Make sure you have a schedule for school work - as much as possible, the same time every day. If you can coordinate it with his friends homework schedule that's even better!

Set a start and end time for homework - the common recommended formula is;

Grades K-2- should not exceed 10-20 minutes per day
Grades 3-4- should not exceed 45 minutes per day
Grades 5-6- should not exceed 70 minutes per day
Grades 7-9- should not exceed 1.5 hours per day
Grades 10-12- should not exceed 2 hours per day

So if your child is in grade 4, set a 45 minute homework time - if he's done before that then assign extra reading but make sure that he spends the entire time studying. That way, he'll be less likely to rush through if he knows he's going to be doing school work anyway.

See if he is better with or without background noise. Some kids find some music in the background helps ease frayed nerves or assists in concentration. Some children need a completely quiet place - free of distractions.

Find interesting ways to do the same task. For example, we had issues with practicing spelling. I gave my oldest a cookie sheet with flour, sugar, cornstarch, or cornmeal on it and had him use his finger to draw the words in the 'flour' rather than use a pencil and paper - it amused him and made the chore more fun.

Focus a lot on the premise that we learn best from mistakes and that mistakes are normal. Perhaps he feels a let down that he hasn't completed his work perfectly - but telling him once that mistakes are to be learned from won't likely shake it, you will have to reinforce it over and over.

If he is fidgety or restless - try giving him a stress ball to play with while he works - or - let him have some exercise before studying to burn off the excess energy.

A more drastic measure is to let the mistakes go back to school for his teacher to find and ask for corrections. Often kids will take the criticism from the teacher easier than from a parent as the seem to view the teacher as an authority. This might be something to suggest during brainstorming as an alternative to you finding the mistakes - but he will have to understand that they will still be found, regardless of who looks for them.

That's all I have right now. I hope you find something helpful!

Submit a P arenting question

Angelina.... Madonna... Me - and Jessica Simpson

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 11:26:27 -0700

I heard on the news the other day that Jessica Simpson is the latest and greatest to join the ever growing list of celebrities that are becoming parents by way of adoption - or want to adopt children.

I don't remember the exact quote but it was to the effect of "ever since I was 11 years old I wanted to adopt a child from Mexico. I want to adopt before I have my own child"

Keyword here "own child".

Reality check Jessica - when you adopt, the child you adopt becomes "your own child".

Will this catch on like the movement to "pocket puppies" that have become so popular since the rumor rag cover stars started carrying around their pooches in their purses?

Parenting, is not something that should be turned into a FAD or fashion accessory and it honestly scares me to think that some ditsy followers of these people are going to hop on an adoption bandwagon so they can have their pocket puppy and international adopted baby in their own personal collections!

When our family chose to adopt 3 children, it was because we wanted a family and we had the time and love for it. Not so that we would have children to "show off" or so that we would be a part of some kind of movement.

Don't get me wrong. I think adoption is a wonderful option when building your family, either in addition to biological children or not. There are thousands of "home grown" kids waiting to be adopted in North America as well as internationally and there are pros and cons to both.

But there are also literally thousands of people waiting (probably not so patiently) to adopt a child into their family that are doing it for the right reasons - I just have my doubts that "all" of these wannabe mommies really "want to be" mommies. Let's not start a trend of "trophy children" that are more valuable by their international status!

My rant is over for today - Visit the rest of my Parenting Blog for a less political view on life

Parenting Question - Finding the Roses when Parenting Intense Children

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 14:10:00 -0700

Parenting Question

Finding the Roses when Parenting Intense Children

received August 4, 2007

Q. My oldest (I have 3) is intense and very emotional. We go through good periods and difficult ones. Right now we are going through a difficult period - lots of screaming and crying. For her, I believe, it's a developmental milestone - she's getting ready for her next big leap. For e.g., she wants to do the slip and slide, but she wants to do it "right" (perfectionist), easily disappointed, relentless.

I also see some great things in her (loves me dearly, very perceptive, great memory).

So, my question, as a parent, how do you enjoy your days with all the difficulty/crying/screaming? How do you live in the moment joyfully with very little peace? We certainly keep it simple and don't "run around". Any tips? Meditation? Praying? Help! Just trying to live in the moment joyfully.

A. Thank you for your question, again, something that I find myself struggling with now and again.

I think that in today's hurried world, it's often easy for any parent to get caught up in the chaos of life and then now and again, we find ourselves thinking "where did the week go or the month or even the year". Our memories seem to be just a blur and in thinking about the events of the day, we can only recall the difficult moments or the challenges.

In parenting with intense children, the challenges are "more" and more frequent, often leaving parents exhausted physically and emotionally.... and looking back on the day, we feel like we've spent the entire day diffusing time bombs, drying tears, wiping up melt downs or just generally trying to keep the chaos as controlled as possible and it seems like we haven't had "fun" in an eon.

Learning to spot and enjoy and remember the brightest moments is a skill that I feel needs to be learned, or re-learned. I know that I myself have had to make a conscious choice to make a positive change - an effort to make noticing and enjoying the moments part of every day. It's not easy and sometimes I can get swept up into that chaos, especially during one of those developmental leap periods and "forget" to pay attention.

Here are a few things I've done, and do, to attempt to refocus and find the roses again.

Put sticky note reminders around the house with something that will help you remember your goal - maybe small printouts of a rose so that it will trigger your focus.
Pick an especially happy memory of something you and your children have done together or that they have done to make you smile and appreciate them and then borrow that memory when things are tough
Have a daily game of "best thing" - often dinner time works well, when each member of the family tells about the best thing that happened that day. The kids can all take turns telling their "best thing" and then you have to come up with one for each of them or one that involves each child. Knowing that the ritual will happen each day will force to to be on the lookout for those good things. One caution though - if your intense child is having a "storm cloud moment" wait until the cloud has passed or you'll just get rained on! lol
Find something that everyone has fun doing and make a point of doing it on a scheduled basis. Recently my kids infiltrated my bedroom with The Dad and put on an impromptu talent show. It was late and honestly, upon finding them in there I was not pleased but decided to try and ride the wave and let it go. We all had a great time while the kids entertained us while we sat in bed and laughed at their antics. Now we've made it a weekend event - the family talent show.
Finally - and this is probably the most important thing. Make time for yourself.

I'm an introvert so I solve things within myself, I enjoy my alone time, I need it to regenerate. If I don't have my time then I become toxic and it's impossible to find the roses in the garden (or I kill them! :0 ).

Extroverts probably still need their own time but they also need people to bounce things off of. A trusted friend or significant other. If an extrovert doesn't have that outlet, my guess is that she would get toxic as well.

I hope that you have found this to be a little helpful.

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Intense Child StormFront Moving In

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 17:19:28 -0700

Joe Btfsplk

I don't remember Joe from the L'ill Abner comic strip but Nana does and she thinks the Dervish is just like him these days.

Joe is touted as the worlds best friend but a jinx who goes through life with a storm cloud raining over his head.

The Dervish doesn't exactly match the character's description. I'm sure he's a good friend, he has many of them. I don't think he's a jinx though - except to maybe himself.

Dervish has always been prone to his 'bad moods' but lately those moods have been more and more frequent and tend to have the staying power of the Dervish himself. They are big and bad and foul and intense and there is no way that you can be in the room with The Dervish and not know that he is having a 'mood' - he simply will not allow that kind of inattention!

There's a theory out there that I've seen proven time and time again that children, on or about their half birthdays, tend to go through a developmental leap that seems to throw them for a loop and can leave parents dazed and confused.

I first found out about this 1/2 year thing when the pie was 3.5 years old and I was going crazy over some of his behaviors (laughing out loud now when I think about what drove me crazy then) Anyway, there is a series of books by Louise Bates Ames entitled "your 1 year old", "your 2 year old" .... etc.,. I didn't own the book but someone quoted the 3 year old book and it was like whoever had written it had been peeking in my window. Since then I've been aware of the 1/2 year thing and found that often, when one of my children has traded in their personality for another that if I do the math, it's very near the 6 months mark until their birthday.

Dervish is about 7 months from turning 9. Maybe that's it. I Hope that's it because if it's not I have big BIG problems.

The mood appears to come out of thin air. A perfectly happy 8 year old turns into a rolling thunder cloud with no warning what-so-ever and much like a hurricane, whirls through the house uprooting everything and everyone in his path.

I winced today as Nana described the cartoon character to him this morning - afraid of his reaction. She ended with "So we'll call you Joe". Interestingly enough, his reaction, while definitely not 'pleased' - was restrained to a simple "I don't want to be called Joe" and he even did it without growling! Apparently Nana still commands some respect while the rest of us are little more than tumbleweed ready to be blown out of the way. sigh.

As pleased as I was that he wasn't outright rude to Nana, the fact that I had my armor up ready for him to be concerns me. Here I am shrinking back in 'fear' of the mood of my 8 year old. There's something wrong with that picture.

We had a chat over the weekend during one of his moods. We're trying to establish together what brings them on and how to stop them, or turn them, or control them.

It's rough going. We have to wade through all the blame (everyone yells at me - they don't, I can't do anything - he can, and other why it's not his fault - it isn't) and try to get to the root of it - what exactly sets him off.

So far I've learned that it feels to him like there's something sharp inside him (anxiety?) and that it comes on like a switch, not gradually. I've noticed that there's a potential that food is related to it - too much junk or not enough food. I've noticed that he seems to get calmer when he's one on one and/or walking.... and of course, I wouldn't be a good parent if I didn't try to blame it on not having enough sleep!

So the Dad and I are trying to tighten up the routine - get on a good schedule (not easy for me at the best of times - more difficult during summer vacation!) and we are focused on these moods and trying to see what works and what doesn't.

We're pretty good at what doesn't work.

Arguing with him does not work.

Asking him to go calm down does not work.

Having lots of people around does not work.

Making suggestions does not work.

I will post when I figure out what does.

Parenting Emotionally Intense Challenging Children

Parenting Questions and Answers

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 12:54:48 -0700

It never hurts to ask.

I recently started a parenting advice (suggestions) section on this site and have had several questions asked. I feel that it never hurts to ask and get parenting advice from a different perspective.

The latest question deals with an emotional 6.5 year old girl who cries all the time. This was a tough question to answer because I deal with the same issues and have not managed to resolve them myself but, I believe that there are no cookie cutter children - what works for one may not work for another so the best I can do is offer my theories and suggestions and hope someone might find what I've said helpful. Of course, if it's not, it's not.

If you have a parenting issue you'd like a different perspective on, you can submit your request for a suggestion here I'll do my best to offer helpful information.

Parenting Squabbling Siblings - Tips

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 11:39:39 -0700

I'm pretty sure the summer vacation was only about an hour old when the squabbling siblings started.

It's not that my 3 kids don't fight any other time but it seems so much more intense during holidays because they are together more often and for greater blocks of time - there's no school to interrupt - no distance to make the heart grow fonder!

The only two that don't normally engage in constant battle are the oldest (Pie) and youngest (The Girl). Fights between those two are few and far between which makes me wonder if perhaps 8 years is a good gap between kids!

The Girl and Dervish are the worst. Probably their similar intense temperament and intense personalities makes their squabbles so much more passionate and LOUD.

It was a peaceful morning. It's been raining. We had breakfast of waffles and then because the Dervish has been interested in jokes, I found a kids joke site and rhymed off countless one liners for his amusement. Everything was going so well. We discussed the potential activities for the day which included movie watching and the PS2 soccer game we'd rented (since it was raining). Then the rain stopped and I suggested they go out bike riding while they could.

The next thing I know there is a horrible ear piercing shriek (unmistakably The Girl's angry frustrated shriek) I let that one slide. A few minutes later, another and then another. Sigh. I go out to see what the issue is and find them both standing in the shed.

The Girl is very obviously struggling to undo the clip on her bike helmet - easily resolved, I release the clip. Then the chorus of "he did" "she did" starts. In short order I get that she wants her bike in the shed to keep it dry - he knows bikes don't go in the shed and is preventing her from putting it there. Ok, no, bikes don't go in the shed - yes, your bike might get wet but yes, it will dry. Problem solved.

The question is, should I be in there resolving each and every problem? No.

Discipline is teaching and as parents, it's our job to teach our children the skills they require to get through life, like problem solving.

In the adult world, the same intense passion as my 4 and 8 year old display in fighting over where a bike belongs ends in conflict and war - we need to teach our children to resolve problems rationally using cooperation and empathy so here are some tips for teaching that skill.

Don't focus on who started it or who's fault it is. These things are irrelevant and assigning any kind of blame is pointless to resolving the root issue.
Find the root issue. The root issue is not that one hit another or that one is screaming or that one took a toy that belonged to the other. The root issue would be why one hit or why one is screaming or why a toy was taken. This is also a good time for a "feelings check". Is someone feeling left out, jealous, inferior?
Use negotiation to find a win-win solution. Help your children work it out using negotiation techniques. State the problem clearly and ask them to offer suggestions of how the problem might be resolved that they will both (or all) be happy with the outcome. Perhaps they can play with the toy together, maybe there is another similar toy that they can both play with one and trade at intervals, maybe there is another game they can play. The goal is to get them to cooperate to find a solution.

These things will take practice but the eventual outcome is that they will learn to do their own negotiating and problem solving. Once they realize that they aren't going to get you on one side or the other, they will start to try doing this themselves.

More Parenting Tips

The Forgotten Child

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 07:50:21 -0700

I'm the first to admit that my two intense kids take the majority of my energy. The Dervish and The Girl are younger and well, they are "intense". Virtually every moment is a challenge.

However, I didn't think I was ignoring the Pie ... the oldest, mr. stability, mr. dependable, mr. 12 going on 25.

Unfortunately, that seems to be exactly what happened and I think I know why.

It all started a month or so ago when I was looking for a "chore chart" online (something we were trying that didn't work - again... but that's another post). In my search I found a site that had charts for every imaginable thing and one of them was an add/adhd checklist.

I don't know what prompted me to look at it, I had no conscious concerns for any of the kids at that particular time but I did look at it and was shocked when I realized that I was answering yes to virtually every question with regards to my oldest son! Don't people usually look at and find add/adhd much earlier than 12 years old?

So I talked to The Dad about it and we looked at the checklist together and sure enough, we both had to admit that as hard as it seemed to be to believe, it looked like our oldest, our "normal" child, had been wandering around with undiagnosed add or even adhd!

The Dad discussed it with our Doctor before we talked to The Pie about it and he said we'd have to have his teacher fill out the same checklist before they would make a diagnosis so I emailed the teacher, explained just what I said here and attached the checklist. A day later the list came back - validating my initial idea.

Now for the fun part! After getting the letter from the teacher and my own check list to the Doctor with The Pie in tow, the Dr. says he has to see a specialist! I didn't even know there were add/adhd "specialists" but apparently there are and The Pie has an appointment with one such guru in DECEMBER! In the mean time, do nothing.

This just doesn't seem acceptable to me. Originally I had thought that the timing of this sudden noticing of symptoms was great. It was nearing the end of the school year so it would give us the summer to deal with treatment options and hopefully, by the time school started in the fall, we'd be all set and The Pie might actually have a good school year! Now it looks like that's not going to happen.

So why did it take us until he was 12 years old to discover that he was demonstrating so many add/adhd symptoms?

Well, first of all, no one had ever suggested it was a concern. In the 8 years of formal education, not one teacher even hinted that there might be an issue. Of course, there were always 'issues'. He fidgets, doesn't stay on task, spends too much time talking with his friends, gets out of his seat too much etc., etc., etc. and ya, now it screams loud and clear but in the moment it was always accompanied by 'he's so popular', 'he's got so many friends', 'everyone always wants to chat with him', 'social butterfly'. So we saw these as discipline and self control issues related to his personality - the teachers liked him, his classmates liked him - disruptive? ya, a little, but in a class clown, charm your socks off kind of way.

Then there's the comparison factor. Standing beside emotionally intense Dervish and The Girl, The Pie looks for all intents and purposes, like the golden child. What's a 'fidget' beside a child having a major meltdown over being asked to put her socks in the laundry?

So as it turns out, the challenging kids not only vacuums the attention away from the 'normal' kids, they also change the perspective in which you look at your 'normal' kids.

sigh.

What's next? Well, I think I have to push the dr. towards considering some interim treatment and of course, I am looking at alternative treatments as well.

Positive Discipline for Danger Situations

nospam@example.com (L.C.) — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:47:00 -0700

As I mentioned in my last post, I am against the use of corporal punishment. I do believe in, and have used, better and more effective methods of discipline.

Each and every time I've had this discussion with a pro spanking parent the conversation goes to "what about danger situations" I mentioned the running on the road situation but this applies to any circumstance in which your child puts himself in harms way.

There is nothing more terrifying than to see your child do something that puts his very life at risk so rather than attempt to teach him danger by hitting him, why not try a little real life fear and drama (you may need the drama if the situation is only potentially dangerous, like running out on a empty road)

When my Pie (the oldest - least intense child) was about 2 years old we were renovating our kitchen. He was busy with a screwdriver pushing it into the holes where the knobs on the cabinet doors had been.

I was working on a new counter top. I turned just in time to see him heading to the now exposed electrical outlet (the one that had been behind the fridge). Inches from the outlet I let out a scream and scooped him up in my arms.... but the 'show' didn't end there. I knew perfectly well that he was not hurt, he didn't get near enough with the screwdriver but I ACTED as if he could be hurt checking his fingers, hugging him ever couple of seconds, lots of telling him how scared I was, how he could have been hurt and back to checking his hands and fingers again. I spent quite a bit of time, maybe 5 or 10 minutes rotating through the motions of being a terrified mom - scared to death that my baby was hurt.

That's all it took. There is nothing more powerful than a parent's strong emotions to a young child. The Pie steered VERY clear of electrical outlets from that day forward and when he was about 4 years old he let me know that he wanted to plug something in but he was obviously nervous and wanted me to show him how. By that time he was old enough to understand the danger and the explination as to why it was dangerous an that electricity was something to be respected.

I used the same method with the other 2 kids when the need arose and never had an issue with either of them repeating dangerous behavior once they had been treated to the "mom is terrified" episode.

Back to Discipline

Parenting An Intense Child

Stressed Out Mom and 8 Year Old Battle Homework

Parenting Question

Mom and 8 Year Old Son Stress over homework.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Symptoms

Inattention

Hyperactivity

Impulsivity

Tears and Tantrums

How many sleeps until Christmas

Grade 3 Stressing Over Homework

Parenting Question

Grade 3 Homework Stress

7 Year old cries a lot

Parenting Question

7 year old has not outgrown tears

A good parenting discipline discussion

ADHD - Concerta - Puberty - Mood Swings - OH MY

Parenting Question - 9 Year Old Does not Like Correction

Parenting Question

9 year old frustrated over homework.

Angelina.... Madonna... Me - and Jessica Simpson

Parenting Question - Finding the Roses when Parenting Intense Children

Parenting Question

Finding the Roses when Parenting Intense Children

Intense Child StormFront Moving In

Parenting Questions and Answers

Parenting Squabbling Siblings - Tips

The Forgotten Child

Positive Discipline for Danger Situations

Attention
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Symptoms